The Genre Of Your Life

Who doesn’t love a good movie? We love it because we know it’s not real. Even when we kind of think it’s real, we know it’s not really real. I love movies based on true stories. The stories they’re based on are ones that seem to be tragic at some point, but then it resolves to something grand in the end, and you get to see how all of the parts fit together.

If you were in a movie right now, what genre would it be? Would the kids crying and screaming on the way out the door be a comedy or a tragedy? Would your husband looking on as you make dinner be a romance or a comedy? Change the genre of what’s happening in your life and see how your perspective changes. It’s only your thoughts that make it that way, anyway, so choose it the way you want to. This helps your brain to see that what you’re thinking about your life is what’s creating the feel of it. It’s not necessarily real that you’re in a tragedy; it could just as well be a comedy, or a romance.

Thursday Thought: It’s Not About Me

I know I’ve done this thought already, but it’s such a good one. I taught a class in church recently. Later that day, I found myself feeling really insecure. The interesting thing is that I thought the lesson went well. I found myself thinking things like, “I wonder if they think that I think I’m better than them.” “I bet they think I didn’t do a very good job.” “I wonder if they think I had too much discussion.” These were not thoughts out of curiosity. They were causing me to feel insecurity and shame. I just allowed the insecurity and shame for awhile. Then I decided I was done. I looked into what thoughts were causing the insecurity and shame (see above :)).

It’s true that some of the people in my class could be having those thoughts. So now what? I reminded myself, “It’s not about me.” I put myself out there in the world. I do my best, which sometimes may not be that great. And then I let others think what they want to about it. They may think thoughts that generate negative emotions, or they may think thoughts that generate positive emotions. Either way, it’s not about me. If they think my lesson was amazing or if they think it flopped, it’s about them and the lens through which they see the world.

This is amazing because instead of trying to control the way anyone may feel or think about me, which isn’t even possible, I get to just be me. I get to love me and appreciate me if I want to, no matter if anyone else agrees. Next week I think I’ll talk about thoughts that generate love and appreciation for myself. Of course, you can use any of them you’d like to.

In what areas is it helpful for you to remind yourself, “It’s not about me,”?

 

Talking To The Child Inside Of You

As I’ve been working on my thoughts around losing weight, I noticed that it’s kind of like I have a child and a parent inside of me. The parent plans ahead, and then when it comes time to follow the plan, the child takes over. This past week, the child has been more like a teenager. She’s mad that the parent planned out the meal. She tries to sneak food really fast before the parent intercedes. She reads the plan and then pretends that the parent meant something else.

When I was coaching a client, she brought up this same kind of situation going on in her own head. We talked about how we want to talk to that child in our heads. Usually we are quite mean to her. We say things like, “You’re bad for eating that food.” “There’s something wrong with you for wanting to eat that thing that’s not good for you.” When she says, “I really want a cookie.” We are ambiguous. Sometimes we say no, and try to ignore her. Sometimes we give her the whole bag.

How would you want to talk to a child inside of you who wanted to eat something you knew wouldn’t help her feel good? Probably something like, “I know you want that sweetie, and it’s fine to have a little bit sometimes, but we’re not going to today. We’ve already planned to eat ______. We’ll have a treat on Friday. I know you feel disappointed, but I also know you’ll be okay. How about we go cuddle on the couch and read instead.” If you were going to a party where you knew she usually ate more than was good for her, you might talk to her beforehand, “There’s going to be a lot of food at this party. Let’s plan out what you’re going to eat ahead of time so you can feel good when the party is over. What are other great things about the party besides the food? What can you do when you’re finished eating?”

We all have a child inside that desperately wants to be loved and cared for. No one can care for her except you. How do you want to care for the child inside of you?

Thursday Thought: A “Wrong” Decision Will Always Get You To Your Goal Faster Than No Decision

Sometimes we get stuck in doing the “right” thing. What if there isn’t one “right” way, or one “right” thing? What if the only way to figure out what works is by trial and error? What if I told you it was going to take you 100 times to figure out a way that works for you to lose weight, to stop yelling, to keep your house clean, to start making money on your side gig, whatever it is you want to do that seems to elude you? Would it be worth it to you to figure it out? What if I could guarantee on the 101st time it would work, and it would stick forever, that you’d never have to solve that problem again? But first you have to try 100 ways that don’t work.

Instead of feeling stuck and paralyzed because you can’t find the right way, you’d probably get going. The faster you try and fail 100 times, the faster you’d reach your goal.

You’d stop with the drama of, “I don’t want to waste my time on the wrong decision.” You’d just make a decision and know that if if doesn’t work, that doesn’t make it the wrong decision. It just gets you one step closer to the way to reach your goal. A “wrong” decision will always get you to your goal faster than no decision.

There Are No Thought Police

When I was at coach training, my instructor told me, “There are no thought police. You can believe any thought you want.” If you were looking through the thoughts on the shelf and you saw one that said, “I am amazing!”, would you pick it up? Why or why not? Are you afraid if you decided to believe that thought and carry it around with you that someone would come along and tell you, “You can’t believe that thought, it’s not true.”? Guess what, someone could do that, but they have no authority unless you give it to them. There are no thought police. You get to believe whatever you want. Feel free to pick up any of these thoughts, or any others you see on the shelf and take them home with you, they’re FREE:

  • I’m amazing!
  • My value is infinite, no matter what I do and don’t do.
  • I’m such a good mom.
  • I’m beautiful.
  • I don’t make and spend money, it flows in and out of my life as it’s supposed to.
  • My husband adores me.
  • I’m in the perfect place in my journey.
  • My past experiences were exactly what I needed.
  • My future is bright.
  • I’m succeeding.

Thursday Thought: The Relationship Is Paramount

A few years ago, my husband had a responsibility at church that made it so that he left early, and I would get the kids ready on my own and to church, hopefully on time. I made a conscious decision that to me it was more important that we get there in a good mood than that we get there on time. So I planned ahead. I knew it was easier for me to be in a good mood if I had enough time to get ready myself, and THEN get the boys ready. It was really awesome. We usually got ready with enough time to play a game or read a book before church AND get there on time.

Then my husband was released from his responsibility and for some reason I forgot to make this a priority. I found myself always rushed and harried on Sunday mornings. I wanted to get to church ON TIME! I had lots of negative thoughts about my husband and my kids and how they were incapable of getting ready and getting to church on time. I blamed them for not even being able to get ready and out the door myself. It was not good for my relationship with anyone.

Then I remembered, “The relationship is paramount.” If we’re late, we’re late. Being snarky and demeaning wasn’t helping anyone get ready any faster. But it was hurting my relationship with the people I love most. I’m working on repeating this to myself whenever I start to feel uptight and want to blame someone else for what I think is going wrong. It relaxes me immediately and my mind opens up to thoughts like, “maybe they’re not trying to annoy me”, “maybe they’re doing the best they can”, “maybe I could focus on getting ready myself so I can help them after”, and “how would I hope they’d interact with me if I were running late?”

How can you remember the importance of the relationship in stressful times?

Thoughts Are Optional

If circumstances don’t make us feel anything, then why do we feel something about our circumstances? We have thoughts about everything. We have thousands of thoughts a day. Any thought that we believe creates a feeling inside of us. Did you know our thoughts are optional, though? They’re like books in a bookstore. We can pick it up and take it with us, or we can put it back on the shelf.

We can choose to believe them. Sometimes our brains really don’t want to let a thought go, or may resist believing a new thought.

By examining your thoughts you can easily let them go or believe something new. Like a book, you can examine a thought. Get really curious about it. Look inside of it. See how it makes you feel. Is it something you want to keep with you? Or would you rather just put it back where you got it?

Thursday Thought: It’s Okay For Them To Be Wrong About Me

That person that you notice watching you for a minute and a half at the check-out stand while you bribe your child with a piece of candy to just hold on for two more minutes until you get to the car because he’s 45 minutes past their nap time. Your sister that tells you you’re selfish because you decide to stay home by yourself and watch a movie instead of accepting her invitation to go on a walk because you’re pretty sure you’d say something rude while you were with her because it has been “one of those days”. Your child’s principal that insinuates you don’t have a clue about discipline because your child throws a grand mal tantrum when you leave them one day at school; or the parent standing by that you’re sure thinks you’re the worst parent because you left your child screaming at that school. The person at church that looks at you sideways because you check your phone to be sure your sick teenager at home texts you that they need you to come home immediately.

All of these people that if they only knew what was in your heart. If they only knew what you’d been through today. If they could only see you in different situations. If they only knew what you knew. They’d know…they’d know you’re not made up of just this one moment. They’d understand that in this situation, you were making the best decision for everyone involved. But they don’t know. And there may not be anyway for them to know or understand. So they have thoughts. Thoughts about you. Thoughts that are incomplete, or flat-out untrue.

So you remind yourself, “It’s okay for them to be wrong about me.” Their thoughts don’t mean anything about you. Their thoughts only mean something about them and their experiences. Their thoughts are only thoughts. It’s okay to be misunderstood. Breathe. Love yourself for them. Love yourself for you.

Circumstances Are Neutral

Circumstances are facts. They are neutral. They’re not good or bad. Our brains think our circumstances are either good or bad, and that they control our feelings. They don’t. Our thoughts create our feelings. These are circumstances:

  • My son has an F in math.
  • My daughter has an A in music.
  • My husband left me.
  • My husband washed the dinner dishes
  • I weigh 120 pounds.
  • I weigh 300 pounds.
  • I have a job.
  • I lost my job.

They’re all neutral. They’re not positive or negative. Only our thoughts ABOUT them are positive or negative. Try and find a positive and a negative thought on each of them. It’s definitely available because these are neutral circumstances. What are some circumstances in your life that you have been having negative thoughts about, that you want to have positive thoughts about? I can coach you on that!