This thought caught a hold of me when I was reading one of Susanna Kearsley’s novels. I don’t even remember which story it came from, but in the story whenever the girl is scared and wants to just give up she remembers her mother telling her, “You always have a choice.” At one point, she says, “But this time I really didn’t have a choice.” However, as she thinks about it she realizes that she really still did have a choice.
We have lived here in Ontario for 8 years. During those 8 years I have gone back and forth of trying to think positively about living here and wanting to move back to where I grew up in Utah. The problem is that my husband doesn’t want to live in the States. Not that he’s not willing, but he feels the same way about living in the States as I feel about living in Ontario. Remember that line in EverAfter, “A bird can love a fish, but where would they live?” That’s kind of what it feels like for us. I’m not just talking about disappointment here. I’m talking real physical sharp pain in my heart. I knew the problem was in my thoughts, I just couldn’t seem to figure out what the thoughts were. Want to know the most painful thought I would think over and over and over? It was, “I have no choice.” I knew I had a choice. I would go over different choices all of the time, but I never liked any of my choices, so I kept telling myself I had no choice. The thought that I had no choice, or even that those were my only choices have caused me SO MUCH pain.
I tried on the thought, “I always have a choice.” I realized the choice I was making was to not like it here and live here anyway. That’s the choice I had been making all along, but it felt like it was just happening to me. When I decided to choose it intentionally I went from feeling like I had no power to feeling completely empowered. It feels so much better to make a choice consciously than passively. Which are the only choices.
Where do you feel like you have no choice? Leave a comment and let me know what you think of this thought.