Thursday Thought: What IS working?

We’ve been trying to figure out a health condition with my son. It has been going on for 5 years now. My brain likes to tell me that is a really long time, and we should have it figured out by now. Each time we have a “set-back” I quickly go to despair. I watched someone else get coached on a chronic health condition. She kept saying, “It’s not working.” The coach asked her, “What is working?” It totally changed everything! It changed the focus on what wasn’t working to what was working. Maybe something that WAS working isn’t working anymore. But what’s working now?

Ask this question with any problem you’re facing. How does it change your perspective?

I’d love to hear about it! Book a free mini-session with me here.

Have you heard the scraping in the wall?

We heard the scraping in the wall, and saw the pellets on the ground, so we set up some mousetraps in our basement. It has been a couple of weeks, and nothing. Then this morning, Xander yells, “Mom! We caught a mouse!” I could hardly walk into the room where he was. My heart was pounding. I felt frozen. I stood there for a good minute before I peaked around the corner at the trap to see the mouse. I seriously peaked and closed my eyes, so I had to look again. I looked so fast the next time that I had to look AGAIN! I couldn’t see the mouse, but I couldn’t quite tell what was going on with the trap, so I had to look closer. When I really examined it, I realized there was no mouse! Xander had just been mistaken. He was out of the room by now and I told him there was no mouse, and he said, “I saw a claw!” No, my dear, it was all made up in your mind, just like all of the fear I felt was made up from my thoughts.

I would say I was afraid of the mouse, but since there was no mouse, that’s not even possible! I was afraid THINKING about the mouse. My thoughts created all of the emotion.

What other thoughts are creating debilitating fear of things that aren’t even there?

Want me to help you find them? Sign-up for a free mini-session to get started on feeling more of the way you want to feel.

Thursday Thought: What in my life is exactly how it should be?

Have you ever had the thought, “This isn’t the way my life was supposed to be?” I was swimming deep in this thought last weekend. I was actually doing thought work on it, but didn’t seem to be making much headway. I was writing down all of the thoughts that came to me about how my life SHOULD be different. Then I was going through and disproving each one. I was feeling pretty miserable, as you can imagine with all of those negative thoughts swimming around. Steve suggested that maybe it was making it worse thinking of all that was going wrong, that maybe I should write things I was grateful for.

I started a page and wrote, “What in my life is exactly how it should be?” Then I started answering that question. Sometimes we can look individually at each negative thought to disprove it, and sometimes we can just turn around the negative question and see that it’s still 50/50. Nothing is all bad. Nothing is all good. It’s always somewhere in the middle.

I give you a challenge to get out some paper and write this question on the top and answer it. What did you experience?

I’d love to hear about your experience! Sign-up for a free mini-session of coaching with me.

Do You Like Your Reason?

Or as Carrie Roberts put it in her recent BYU devotional, “Discover your why.” We so often do things without even thinking about why.

On a recent trip, my flight was re-routed to a different airport. Because of the interruption, the airline gave us snack boxes to tide us over while we waited for a new plane. I had a thought of just keeping my box until I was hungry later. Then I sat down next to a much more experienced coach. She broke into her box and started eating the snacks. Without thinking too much about why, I started eating my box of snacks, even though I wasn’t even hungry.

As I reflected later on why I had done this, I realized that because I looked up to this coach I decided to delegate all of my decision making to her. I would just do what she was doing. It’s so silly, but how often do we do this? Instead of thinking for ourselves and deciding what we want to do and why, we just follow someone else, or look for answers outside of us.

Think of something you do often, maybe every day. It may even be something you think is good, but do you like your reason for doing it? If you like what you’re doing, but you don’t like your reason, can you come up with a reason you like?

Leave a comment and let me know some of your reasons you like.

Thursday Thought: What am I trying to control outside of me?

Have you ever been told you’re controlling? Do you feel angry even thinking about someone telling you you’re controlling? When someone says to me that I’m being controlling, I start to go into defense mode of how I’m just right. If people would let me control them, it would all be so much better, right?

If you’ve come up against this, I’m sure you’re aware, that we can’t control other people, or how they feel, or how they think, no matter if we think it would be better if we could. The only thing that happens is we’re uptight.

When you feel uptight, ask yourself, “What am I trying to control? Am I trying to control how someone acts, thinks, feels?” Take a deep breath, and bring it in. What do you really have control over? You can control how you think and feel about it/them. You can control how you react. You can control your breathing. You can control your words. Really you have so much control, so you can let go of the control of other people and situations. Isn’t that a relief?

If you want help figuring out how to let go of controlling others, and start controlling what’s going on inside, set up a free mini-session with me here.

I Have Some Bad News for You

I love to give you good news, but today I feel I need to share some news with you that you might not like so much. Mental hygiene is just like dental hygiene. It is an ongoing daily practice. You can’t just brush you teeth once and be done with it. It’s recommended that you brush your teeth twice a day, and then once or twice a year go to see a dentist. A professional that can look even deeper into your dental health.

What is mental hygiene? It’s taking all of the thoughts out of your head and putting them on paper. Looking at them and deciding, on purpose, which thoughts you want to keep. You can’t just do this once and be done. It’s an ongoing daily process. Just like dental hygiene, it’s a good idea to have a professional help you every now and then, too.

Send me a message if you’d like some help looking at your mental hygiene.

 

Thursday Thought: I don’t have to make it all better

Why do we feel the need to make everyone feel good all of the time? Not everyone feels this, but I think it’s pretty prevalent. What would it be like for you if you were okay with someone not feeling okay? What if you were okay with someone not liking you? What if you just listened to others’ complaints, to your own complaints, and not try to fix it? What would that be like?

The next time someone is upset, or your upset, what if you decided you would just listen to their upset, or feel your own upset? What if you told yourself, “I don’t have to make it all better,”?

How to Improve Any Relationship

I’ve talked about The Manual before and the gist is that we all have detailed instructions for how we think other people in our lives should act and be and feel. The problem is the people in our lives don’t have copies of these manuals, and even if they did, they wouldn’t follow them because it’s like trying to get a refrigerator to be a microwave. It could probably do a few of the same things, but it’s a refrigerator not a microwave.

Today when I was writing down my manual for someone else, so I could take a look at it, I realized that the main problem in that relationship was my manual for myself in that relationship. Did you know we also have manuals for ourselves? What? Well, of course we would follow our own manuals, right?

If we’ve never really sat down and written out our manuals, we don’t really know what’s in them. I had things in my manual like, “I should be calm all of the time.” “I should want to hang out with everyone who wants to hang out with me.” “I should never disappoint my husband.”

Obviously, those instructions aren’t helpful, realistic, or even healthy. What’s in your manual? Write down 10 things right now. Then for each one ask yourself how it makes you feel. Is it useful?