Thursday Thought: Just because I don’t see, doesn’t mean it’s not there

My coach, Jody Moore, likes to say that confidence isn’t thinking you’re great. Confidence is knowing that you’re great, and you’re not great.

I think this is so powerful to notice about myself AND others. Our human brains like to compare ourselves and each other. We like to kind of decide who’s higher and who’s lower. You’ve heard the phrase, “put her on a pedestal” or “look up to her”.

Ezra Taft Benson gave an amazing sermon on pride. He says that pride isn’t just looking down on someone else. It’s looking UP at someone else, also.

Pride keeps us from confidence. If we think we’re better or somehow less than someone else, we can’t really love ourselves or them.

Just because I don’t see someone else’s struggle, or someone else’s amazingness doesn’t mean it’s not there. Just because I don’t see my own struggle, or my own amazingness, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

How To Mess Up

Have you ever watched professional basketball and wondered how the players could miss a free-throw? I mean, how many times do you think a professional basketball player has made a basket? I would say probably in the thousands, if not hundreds of thousands. And yet, even when they’re standing at the line, with nobody even guarding them, they still miss it sometimes.

So…you’re working on something…let’s say not losing your cool with your kids. How many times have you felt like losing your cool, but you haven’t? Hundreds, maybe? And then you lose your cool and you think, “I’m such a failure. I’ll never get this. I shouldn’t have been a mom.”

Do you think when a professional basketball player misses a free throw that they think, “I’ll never be able to make a basket 100% of the time. I’m such a failure.” Of course, not! Are they disappointed? Maybe even a little frustrated with themselves? Probably. But they don’t stay there. They expect they’ll miss sometimes. EVEN after all of their practice.

When you’re working on something, losing weight, getting into shape, loving someone, using kinder language, expect that you’ll make progress, and then you’ll mess up. Expect that you’ll get it wrong, even when you “know better”. Even when you’ve been working at it for years. Even when you’re really good at it. That’s just part of being a human.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help working on your goals. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Thursday Thoughts: We don’t obey commandments, we obey The Commander

How many times have you heard or said the phrase, “Obey the commandments,”? How do you feel when you think that thought? For some people it’s not a problem, but for some of us, it feels very restrictive, and almost like we’re in trouble.

I was watching an episode of Don’t Miss This (check it out if you want help on how to teach your family from the New Testament) and Dave Butler said, “We don’t obey the commandments; we obey The Commander.”

Have you ever had a really big goal like running a marathon? Or for some of us…running a 5k? Obviously, we all KNOW how to run a marathon. You put on your running shoes and you run 26.2 miles.

We also know that if you’ve never run, it’s pretty much impossible to just go run a marathon. You have to start small. Run a little bit. Maybe even walk a little bit, then jog, then run. It looks different for all of us, depending on what you’ve already been doing. It also looks different at different times in our lives. Ten years ago, I was running 5 miles. Right now, I can run down the street.

The two great commandments are to Love God and Love Your Neighbour As Yourself. Are we trying to obey these commandments, or are we turning to the Commander and asking for specific instructions on who to love and how to love them, or how to love Him?

The two great commandments are like running a marathon. Heavenly Father is our personal trainer. He’s not going to take us out to the road and say, “See you in 26.2 miles.” He’s not even going to take us out to the road and say, “I’ll see you at mile 5, 10, 15, and 26.” He takes us to the road and says, “Today we’re going to walk around the block together.” Maybe that looks like, “Today we’re going to say ‘hi’ to that person that is hard for you to love right now.”

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help on how to feel better. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Free House Cleaning Anyone?

Very often, people equate positive thinking with mental wellness. Positive thinking is a very important aspect of mental wellness, but they are not synonymous.

I like to think of a house that has a lot of rooms with closets and furnishings. Positive thinking is like decorating these rooms and straightening them up so they look pretty. It’s making the bed, closing the closet doors, opening the blinds, putting up a nice picture or putting a pretty plant on the table. It really makes the room pleasant to look at and be in.

On the other hand, thought work pulls everything out of the closets, from under the bed, the piles of papers on the desk and the countertop and puts them in the middle of the room. Has anyone seen Marie Kondo? Then it goes through each item and decides if that item needs to go into garbage, recycling, donated, or if you want to keep it and put it back in the closet, or put it on display. It decides whether an item is useful or not useful.

All of the things in our proverbial house are thoughts. Learning to have positive thoughts is really helpful and nice. But it’s not enough if you never go through everything stuffed into closets and under beds. A room can be beautifully decorated, and still not pleasant to be in if there is stuff all over the floor, or spilling out from under the bed or out of the closet.

A coach is like a house cleaner or home organizer who comes in and helps you go through everything. She tells you all of her tips and tricks to getting things cleaned and organized. She doesn’t decide which things you should keep. She just listens and helps you recognize what is useful and what isn’t. You know what you want the environment of your home and mind to be like.

You can do it yourself. But it’s more fun, efficient, and sometimes more effective with a coach. Above all, though, mental wellness isn’t a one-time job. It’s a continuous work. You don’t do the whole house in one day. You work on it little-by-little. Along the way you’ll create some lasting and helpful routines that help you keep up on it.

P.S. If you’re curious what it would be like to work with a coach, be sure to sign-up for a free coaching session with me. It’s like having a house cleaner come to your house for free! It can feel very vulnerable at first, but know that I do this all of the time. There’s nothing in your house I haven’t seen. And I LOVE when it’s a mess.

Thursday Thought: Imperfections do not make us inadequate, they make us human

Raise your hand if you feel like your imperfections make you inadequate. I’m not talking about little imperfections, the ones we don’t mind so much sharing with others. I’m talking imperfections that bring you shame. This will be different for everyone, but here are a few that I have or have heard from my clients:

I yell at my kids.

I don’t pray and read my scriptures every day (or week…or month…)

My child hasn’t learned…how to read…regulate his/her emotions…use the potty…make friends…anything we think, if we had taught them effectively, they would have learned by now. (Notice how this isn’t even about us, but we make it mean there’s something wrong with us.)

I don’t like having sex with my husband.

I’ve gained 30 pounds in the last 6 months.

I gossip about my family.

It goes like this, “I (insert imperfection that causes shame), therefore, I’m not a fit human being.”

Try, “I (imperfection), therefore, I AM a human being.” Welcome.

Let’s remind ourselves and each other, “Imperfections don’t make us inadequate; they make us human.” Remember that’s why we needed Jesus Christ. It’s all part of The Plan.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Love Is Not Blind

My friend shared this quote with me:

Love is not blind

It sees more, not less

But because it sees more

It is willing to see less

-Julius Gordon

Isn’t that how it is with people when we really feel love for them? Sometimes we don’t feel love with the people most important to us. We start to nit-pick. We see everything they’re doing wrong. We FOCUS on the 20% we don’t like, and DIMINISH the 80% we do like.

My mom told me another quote: Have your eyes fully open before marriage, and half-closed after marriage.

Of course, this can be applied to any important relationship. Just be sure when you’re eyes are half-closed that you direct your gaze at the positive. You can see it all and you know it’s all there, just choose to focus on what you do like. There are more steps to this. But this one step can make a huge difference.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Thursday Thought: Everything is going to be okay

You know those times when you feel despair? Despair that you’ll never feel good again? Despair that you’re beyond hope? One of the thoughts that puts me in that kind of despair is, “I can’t do this.” “This” could be anything from raising kids, being a wife, losing weight, being a ‘good’ person.

Do you know what thought puts you in that kind of despair, where the world feels so heavy, you’re not sure you can even get out of bed?

One of my go-to thoughts in this kind of situation is, “Everything is going to be okay.” It’s like that quote from Patel in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, “Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, it’s not yet the end.”

It’s just enough hope to get me to take one step in front of the other. I’m not running or flying. I trust that everything will be okay. And it doesn’t have to be okay today.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Parental Teaching Gone Wrong??

To go off of last week’s post…I taught my kids this song that I heard on a video somewhere:

Make it a good day, make this one glow

Fill it with learning, there’s so much to know

Make it a good day, look in your heart

Build on your heritage, and do your part

See, I really do believe in the concept that good doesn’t just happen to us, we choose it. But apparently, my son had the same kind of attitude I did back in University. One morning, on the way to school, I sang this song to the boys, and D says to me,”You know you can’t choose if you have a good day, Mom. God decides whether you have a good day or not.”

Parental teaching gone wrong? Quite possibly. 🙂 You can teach all day long, but the message doesn’t always get received the way it’s intended. Am I right?

He’s right, in that sometimes we can’t choose our circumstances. But we DO decide how we think and feel about those circumstances (sometimes unconsciously). It’s our choice how we choose to look at our lives. Again, that doesn’t mean we need to be PollyAnna, or that that’s even the best way to be positive about everything.

Just know that if you’re having a hard day, it has everything to do with your thoughts. That doesn’t mean you should change them. It just means the option is there. Your efforts, though, may be better spent some place else.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!