When You Need a Cheerleader

One time I was in a marriage seminar where they said, “You should be your spouse’s cheerleader. There are enough critics out there; you don’t need to be that for your spouse.” Which I think is super great advice IF you’re using it for you and how you want to be. However, on this particular occasion, I thought, “Yes, I just need Steve to be my cheerleader.”

I remember talking to him so many times, trying to explain to him how I needed him to be my cheerleader and how to do it. Guess what, it never worked. This is not because he is inept at being a cheerleader. It’s because I didn’t believe the positive things he said about me, so I hardly even heard them. AND I became very critical of him and his efforts. Ironic.

Then one day I decided to be my own cheerleader. Since, apparently Steve couldn’t do it right (or so I thought), I would have to do it myself. Guess what, I always knew exactly what I wanted to hear. I didn’t believe it at first, but I kept at it, and eventually, I started believing the things I told myself. 

THEN I noticed that Steve WAS cheering me on. He had been cheering me on all along. I just couldn’t hear it because my self-doubt in my head was louder.

Be your own cheerleader first. Then if others happen to be cheering you on, you can enjoy that. But it always starts with you.
P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Thursday Thought: ALL the adults are making it up

When I was a kid, I was excited to be an adult and really know what I’m doing. Then I became an adult, and I realized I don’t know what I’m doing. However, I imagined that everyone around me had life mostly figured out. They seemed confident. Of course, I realized there were some things they were figuring out, but they seemed confident in figuring it out.

My friend said to me the other day, “You know what I realized? ALL of the adults are just making it up.” It totally blew my mind. It’s so true! We all feel confident in some areas, and we all have areas where we don’t feel quite as confident. But even when we feel confident about something, we’re still just deciding to be confident. Confidence comes from our thoughts.

So, if you ever feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re just getting by day-to-day. Just know that…ALL of us adults are just making it up. That’s the fun of being an adult, and sometimes the scary of being an adult.

If you don’t like what you’re making up, and you’d like some help to make up something different, or to feel confident about it, sign-up for a free one-on-one coaching session where I’ll teach you how to create your life on purpose.

Long Baths And Cold Water

The other day, my son was taking a bath….for a long time. I asked him if the water had gotten cold, and he said, “It was getting cold, but then I got out to go potty, and it warmed up while I was out of the water, because when I got back in it was warm again.”

I realized it was only the contrast of the cold outside of the water, that made the water feel warmer. It hadn’t changed temperatures in the 30 seconds he was out of the water.

It made me wonder, “Are people who have had greater sadness, more able to feel greater happiness because of the greater contrast?” “Are people who have been in greater turmoil able to feel greater peace because of the contrast?”

So often we think we want to feel positive emotion all of the time, but if we did, it wouldn’t really even feel that good because we have nothing to compare it to. Maybe the next time we’re feeling frustrated, sad, despair instead of wishing we felt good instead, we could remind ourselves that when we feel uncomfortable sometimes, the positive emotions will feel that much better because of the contrast.

If you feel like you’ve been in the dark feelings too long, and want some help feeling the contrasting positive emotions, let me help you in a one-on-one coaching session! Sign-up here.

Thursday Thought: I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with concepts, such as money and time. If time were a person, what would my relationship with Time be like? How do I think about this person TIME?

Some of my thoughts I’ve had about Time are: she’s never enough; I never have fun with her; I never get to take a break with her; She is controlling me; I need to control her. If I thought these things about a friend, I wouldn’t feel like we were very good friends.

I try to think these thoughts about Time: She’s always enough; I make sure I have fun with her sometimes; I plan with her so that I can work, play, relax, learn, and do all of the things I want to do with her.

I came up with this thought with a client I was working with: I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun. If you feel like it’s really true that you don’t have enough time, try It’s possible, I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun.

Sign-up for a free coaching session, and I will help you create a more relaxed relationship with time.

Struggling with a Transition? Read on…

This is a picture of my Grandma and me just before I left on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This was one of the times I remember really struggling with a transition to something new. The day I entered the Missionary Training Center, I thought I felt good, but looking back I realize I just didn’t feel bad. I actually didn’t feel anything. Feeling nothing was better than feeling scared, right?

That first night all of the new missionaries came together for a special meeting with the Mission President. The closing song was “Lord, I Would Follow Thee”. During the hymn I started crying, which was fine until I realized it was becoming uncontrollable. I was in the second row to the front, right where I felt like everyone sitting at the front of the meeting could see me. As we were dismissed, I hurried into the hall, but I wasn’t alone. The Mission President’s wife followed me and hurried me into the first door she could find, which happened to be the custodial closet. She put her arm around me and asked, “Is everything in your life in order?” I was mortified. She thought I was crying because I had done something that I needed to repent of. I don’t blame her. Why else would I be crying so uncontrollably in a public place?

What I didn’t know then, but that I know now, is that big transitions are really hard for me because I have a lot of practiced thoughts about doing new things. I think  thoughts such as: I should know how to do this; Mistakes are bad; Everyone else knows what they’re doing; Others won’t like me if I do this wrong; I’m the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on; I have to do this right.

I’ve never really even articulated those thoughts as what causes my pain. But when I write them down, I can see why they would create so much fear. Thoughts I’m practicing now during transitions are: I don’t need to know how to do this yet, that’s what I’m figuring out; If I already knew how to do this, I would have already done it; Everyone has to figure this out for themselves; No one is born knowing how to do this; I’m willing to do it wrong; There’s probably someone else who would benefit by me asking a question or getting clarification. If you’re struggling through something new, notice what you’re thinking, and try on some of these thoughts.

If you would like some one-on-one help, sign-up for a free coaching session with me. I’ll help you understand what’s so hard, and how to help yourself through it.

 

Thursday Thought: How do I choose to think about that time of my life?

I tend to think about my life in chunks of experiences. There were my childhood years, my teenage years, my years in university, my time on my mission, my working years, my time being married without kids, my time being married with kids at home. What chunks of time do you break your life into? What do you think about these different periods of time in your life?

Some ways I think about these different times in my life are: That was a really hard time in my life. I had a happy childhood. I was more spiritual then. I thought I was doing well, but really I didn’t realize what was really going on.

Did you know that everything you think about these times of your life are optional? AND the way you think about different experiences or times of your life can be helpful or hindering?

For example, if you think, “That was a really hard time in my life.” That could give you a feeling of accomplishment, or it could give you a feeling that something is wrong with you.

Think about how you want to think about different experiences you’ve had. Does it make you feel shame, broken, unaccomplished, unmotivated? Or does it make you feel proud, humble, grateful, empowered?

As always, if you want help exploring how you’re viewing your past, sign-up for a free coaching session. I will help you see how the way you view your past is helping your hindering you, and how frame it all so that it will help you get to where you want to be.

 

 

I’m a mess!

Last week, I wrote about creating with a toddler. Because I’m a life coach, I’m very tempted to hide the mess my toddler makes. I get really upset with my toddler, and think I should be able to control her so that she doesn’t make any messes.

When I was deep in depression, I spent so much time being angry with the toddler inside of me. I didn’t want her to be there. I didn’t want any of her mess. I thought once I grew up, I wouldn’t have the toddler anymore. What I’m working on is loving her, even loving her messes.

Her (my) messes don’t look professional. Sometimes people get hurt stepping through her (my) messes. Her (my) messes are not pretty.

I’m writing to tell you, I’m still a mess, but in all of that mess, I’m creating things I didn’t even know I could create. It’s so fun! Sometimes my toddler, primitive brain, tells me to be scared, to stop trying, that my creation is ugly, or doesn’t look how it “should”. But when I really focus on creating, and love the toddler inside of me, and her (my) mess, it’s invigorating. We can never totally get rid of the mess, but I can teach you how to love it, embrace it, and create amazing things in the midst of it. Sign-up for a free mini-session to get started!

Thursday Thought: If life were easy, it wouldn’t be hard

Obviously! But why is that even helpful? I fell into a trap for awhile of thinking that life should be easy…if I was doing it right. If life was hard then I must be doing something wrong.

What if life is hard precisely because you’re doing something right? What if life is hard because you’re going through something that is stretching you and making you grow?

So, yes, “men are that they might have joy“. It’s something we want to seek after. But it’s not everything. There’s also “opposition in ALL things“. If life were easy, it wouldn’t be hard. If life is feeling extra hard right now, try asking yourself what you’re doing right that is making it so hard. Are you raising kids? Are you married? Are you trying to take care of your body? Are you trying to live righteously? If you’re trying, you’re doing something right, that makes life hard.

Want to talk to someone about what’s so hard in your life right now? Sign-up for a FREE 30 minute coaching session with me, and I’ll help you find at least one thing to help lighten your burden.

 

 

Life is Just Creating With A Toddler

I feel like my brain is expanding more and more about how we create EVERYTHING in our lives. Most often we don’t get to choose the materials we create with. I’m imagining sitting in a the living room with a toddler. We’ve been given the same materials to create with. The toddler is mostly making a mess, and every now and then gets something simple that looks alright.

I’m next to the toddler trying to create what I “should”. Sometimes I look at the mess the toddler is making and kind of give up working on my creation. What’s the use? I can’t get the toddler under control, and her stuff is making my stuff not look the way it “should”.

Sometimes I scold the toddler about how bad of a job she’s doing. When people come to see what I’m creating, I try to hide the mess the toddler is making. I try to keep it short and not let them get too close to see all of the mess.

I think that I should be able to control the toddler. I think there shouldn’t be a mess. It should just be my creation.

Sometimes I look at the materials someone else was given and think, “If I had the materials they were given I could do a better job.”

Sometimes it looks like their toddler isn’t making any mess. Some people have really rambunctious toddlers and I judge them, thinking, “You should really keep your toddler under control, then you wouldn’t have such a big mess.” I think I could handle their toddler better than they are, or that I could do better than they are with the materials they have.

The materials we are given are our circumstances. The toddler is our primitive brain. We are our higher brain.

We spend SO much time just wishing we could have different materials, circumstances. We spend so much time wishing we didn’t have a toddler, primitive brain, to work with. We spend so much energy judging our mess, judging our neighbour’s mess.

How much better would we feel, how much more would we create, if we stopped focusing on the mess and focused on the creation in front of us? How much better would we feel if we stopped wishing we had different circumstances to work with and just got to creating with what we had? What if we stopped asking outside of us what we “should” create, and thought about what we WANT to create?

I have this strong belief that if we all just created what we could with what we had our lives would be amazing, and we would all enrich each other. But sometimes we’re just so focused on the mess, or we’re so afraid of what others will think of our creation, that we create small, or we don’t create what we love.

What do you want to create? Sign-up for a free mini-session with me, and I’ll give you a powerful tool to help you on your way.

 

Thursday Thought: The answers aren’t out there, they’re inside of me.

Do you ever feel like there’s so much that you need to read or listen to? It’s like if you could read, listen, and watch it all you’re sure your life would be better. Yet, you can’t seem to stay on top of it all? It seems like when this happens that we would just get on it and read and watch and listen and apply all of it.

Have you noticed how the opposite happens? Maybe you do read and listen to a lot of things, but there seems to always be more coming your way. Someone else is telling you about something amazing that has helped them in some way. You don’t have time to actually apply what you learn. You feel like you’re being so productive, but nothing seems to be changing.

I want to offer the reason this happens is because you have two thoughts: 1-I’m going to miss out on something important that will change my life; 2-THE answer I need is out there.

In this period of time, when there is SO much information available to us, I want to offer to you: 1-It’s not possible to miss out on something you NEED to know. You will come across information you need at the perfect time. 2-THE answers are inside of you. You may come across information, but it’s not useful to you until you make it your own, and you interpret it inside.

I am really good at helping you find your own answers inside of you. If you’ve ever wondered if coaching could help you, sign-up for a free 30-minute session, where I’ll help you tap into your inner wisdom to find answers you’re looking for.