Thursday Thought: Trust the process

Sometimes we want to get to the end of whatever we’re doing. Right.Now.

We think we’ll feel better on the other side.

So we push harder.

We do more.

We get there faster.

But then we stop and fall apart.

It doesn’t feel like we thought it would.

What if instead of pushing harder, we trusted harder?

What if instead of running faster, we slowed down and looked around?

What if we saw what was good right now?

Then we kept taking one step at-a-time.

That’s what trusting the process looks like.

It’s taking one step at a time, knowing you’ll reach the other side, but also knowing that it’s good right here. right now.

 

P.S. Want some help with finding out why it’s okay to be where you are, so you don’t have to rush so hard to get where you’re going? Sign-up for a free one-on-one coaching session with me.

Thursday Thought: Just breathe.

I’m thinking of you today.

You who feels like the world is moving too fast and life is too heavy.

You who feels like you can’t quite get your feet under you.

You who feels that life is passing you by without being able to enjoy it.

I say to you, “Just breathe.”

Take a deep breath, and know that it’s going to be okay.

It won’t feel like this forever.

Breathe through this hard time, and you will feel joy in the future.

But it’s okay to not feel joy right now.

You don’t need to feel a certain way, or be a certain way, or do a certain way right now.

Just breathe.

 

P.S. Want to see how coaching can help you? Sign-up for a free one-on-one coaching session with me.

Empathy Isn’t About Taking Away The Pain

I taught a class with a fellow coach and friend a little while ago about Empathy. We showed in The Model¬†how empathy is an emotion. Thoughts that lead to empathy are: “I can understand why you would feel that way.” “I have felt that way before.”

It was very intriguing to me, in the class, when one woman gave us an example of something she found difficult. So many of us couldn’t help ourselves but to give her solutions without really understanding HER thoughts and feelings. We were trying to solve her problem with OUR thoughts and feelings.

We were nowhere near the position to be able to help her with her problem. We hadn’t gotten to empathy, yet.

We are empathetic when we listen, ask questions, and really hear THEIR thoughts and feelings, not imagine OUR thoughts and feelings in that situation. Once we REALLY get to empathy, our actions follow easily. Usually, the most helpful thing is to just listen. As humans, once we’ve talked our problems through, we usually have a pretty good idea of what our answer is.

Empathy is being with someone in their pain and struggle, it’s not taking it away.

P.S. The video on the link is an old video. I offer free 45 minute coaching sessions. They’re amazing and will have you seeing clearly what the problem is and what your solution is. Sign-up here if you’re ready to feel better.

 

Struggling with a Transition? Read on…

This is a picture of my Grandma and me just before I left on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This was one of the times I remember really struggling with a transition to something new. The day I entered the Missionary Training Center, I thought I felt good, but looking back I realize I just didn’t feel bad. I actually didn’t feel anything. Feeling nothing was better than feeling scared, right?

That first night all of the new missionaries came together for a special meeting with the Mission President. The closing song was “Lord, I Would Follow Thee”. During the hymn I started crying, which was fine until I realized it was becoming uncontrollable. I was in the second row to the front, right where I felt like everyone sitting at the front of the meeting could see me. As we were dismissed, I hurried into the hall, but I wasn’t alone. The Mission President’s wife followed me and hurried me into the first door she could find, which happened to be the custodial closet. She put her arm around me and asked, “Is everything in your life in order?” I was mortified. She thought I was crying because I had done something that I needed to repent of. I don’t blame her. Why else would I be crying so uncontrollably in a public place?

What I didn’t know then, but that I know now, is that big transitions are really hard for me because I have a lot of practiced thoughts about doing new things. I think¬† thoughts such as: I should know how to do this; Mistakes are bad; Everyone else knows what they’re doing; Others won’t like me if I do this wrong; I’m the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on; I have to do this right.

I’ve never really even articulated those thoughts as what causes my pain. But when I write them down, I can see why they would create so much fear. Thoughts I’m practicing now during transitions are: I don’t need to know how to do this yet, that’s what I’m figuring out; If I already knew how to do this, I would have already done it; Everyone has to figure this out for themselves; No one is born knowing how to do this; I’m willing to do it wrong; There’s probably someone else who would benefit by me asking a question or getting clarification. If you’re struggling through something new, notice what you’re thinking, and try on some of these thoughts.

If you would like some one-on-one help, sign-up for a free coaching session with me. I’ll help you understand what’s so hard, and how to help yourself through it.

 

Thursday Thought: How do I choose to think about that time of my life?

I tend to think about my life in chunks of experiences. There were my childhood years, my teenage years, my years in university, my time on my mission, my working years, my time being married without kids, my time being married with kids at home. What chunks of time do you break your life into? What do you think about these different periods of time in your life?

Some ways I think about these different times in my life are: That was a really hard time in my life. I had a happy childhood. I was more spiritual then. I thought I was doing well, but really I didn’t realize what was really going on.

Did you know that everything you think about these times of your life are optional? AND the way you think about different experiences or times of your life can be helpful or hindering?

For example, if you think, “That was a really hard time in my life.” That could give you a feeling of accomplishment, or it could give you a feeling that something is wrong with you.

Think about how you want to think about different experiences you’ve had. Does it make you feel shame, broken, unaccomplished, unmotivated? Or does it make you feel proud, humble, grateful, empowered?

As always, if you want help exploring how you’re viewing your past, sign-up for a free coaching session. I will help you see how the way you view your past is helping your hindering you, and how frame it all so that it will help you get to where you want to be.

 

 

I’m a mess!

Last week, I wrote about creating with a toddler. Because I’m a life coach, I’m very tempted to hide the mess my toddler makes. I get really upset with my toddler, and think I should be able to control her so that she doesn’t make any messes.

When I was deep in depression, I spent so much time being angry with the toddler inside of me. I didn’t want her to be there. I didn’t want any of her mess. I thought once I grew up, I wouldn’t have the toddler anymore. What I’m working on is loving her, even loving her messes.

Her (my) messes don’t look professional. Sometimes people get hurt stepping through her (my) messes. Her (my) messes are not pretty.

I’m writing to tell you, I’m still a mess, but in all of that mess, I’m creating things I didn’t even know I could create. It’s so fun! Sometimes my toddler, primitive brain, tells me to be scared, to stop trying, that my creation is ugly, or doesn’t look how it “should”. But when I really focus on creating, and love the toddler inside of me, and her (my) mess, it’s invigorating. We can never totally get rid of the mess, but I can teach you how to love it, embrace it, and create amazing things in the midst of it. Sign-up for a free mini-session to get started!

Thursday Thought: If life were easy, it wouldn’t be hard

Obviously! But why is that even helpful? I fell into a trap for awhile of thinking that life should be easy…if I was doing it right. If life was hard then I must be doing something wrong.

What if life is hard precisely because you’re doing something right? What if life is hard because you’re going through something that is stretching you and making you grow?

So, yes, “men are that they might have joy“. It’s something we want to seek after. But it’s not everything. There’s also “opposition in ALL things“. If life were easy, it wouldn’t be hard. If life is feeling extra hard right now, try asking yourself what you’re doing right that is making it so hard. Are you raising kids? Are you married? Are you trying to take care of your body? Are you trying to live righteously? If you’re trying, you’re doing something right, that makes life hard.

Want to talk to someone about what’s so hard in your life right now? Sign-up for a FREE 30 minute coaching session with me, and I’ll help you find at least one thing to help lighten your burden.

 

 

How Allowing Negative Emotion Can Actually Help You-This Isn’t an April Fool’s Joke

What does it mean to accept that 50% of the time you will have negative emotion, and 50% of the time you will have positive emotion? Why is this so powerful?

Even after we learn how to do thought work, and create the way we want to feel in different situations, we will always have new situations that we’ve never been in, or new circumstances that we’ve never thought about how we want to think ahead of time. This means we will default to whatever thoughts come. This means that we’ll always have times when we don’t feel or behave the way we would have had we decided ahead of time how we wanted to think, feel, and behave.

When we have these times of negative emotion, or behaving in ways that isn’t our best, if we think thoughts like, “It shouldn’t have happened that way,” or “I shouldn’t have felt that way,” or “I should have been different,” we’re using a lot of our brain power and effort fighting something we can’t change. It feels helpful because we think if we fight against it, then it will change. But when do you feel motivated to change? We feel motivated to avoid pain, or to feel good. Which motivation breeds long-term change? Feeling good. What if you stopped trying to avoid pain? What if you stopped trying to motivate yourself by avoiding pain? What if your motivation was to feel good in the long-term, which means you may have to feel some pain right now?

I can help you override your innate desire to avoid pain, so that you can seek the long-term feeling good in the way you want. Sign-up for a free mini-session and I can give you something to use right now.

Thursday Thought: What in my life is exactly how it should be?

Have you ever had the thought, “This isn’t the way my life was supposed to be?” I was swimming deep in this thought last weekend. I was actually doing thought work on it, but didn’t seem to be making much headway. I was writing down all of the thoughts that came to me about how my life SHOULD be different. Then I was going through and disproving each one. I was feeling pretty miserable, as you can imagine with all of those negative thoughts swimming around. Steve suggested that maybe it was making it worse thinking of all that was going wrong, that maybe I should write things I was grateful for.

I started a page and wrote, “What in my life is exactly how it should be?” Then I started answering that question. Sometimes we can look individually at each negative thought to disprove it, and sometimes we can just turn around the negative question and see that it’s still 50/50. Nothing is all bad. Nothing is all good. It’s always somewhere in the middle.

I give you a challenge to get out some paper and write this question on the top and answer it. What did you experience?

I’d love to hear about your experience! Sign-up for a free mini-session of coaching with me.

Thursday Thought: What am I trying to control outside of me?

Have you ever been told you’re controlling? Do you feel angry even thinking about someone telling you you’re controlling? When someone says to me that I’m being controlling, I start to go into defense mode of how I’m just right. If people would let me control them, it would all be so much better, right?

If you’ve come up against this, I’m sure you’re aware, that we can’t control other people, or how they feel, or how they think, no matter if we think it would be better if we could. The only thing that happens is we’re uptight.

When you feel uptight, ask yourself, “What am I trying to control? Am I trying to control how someone acts, thinks, feels?” Take a deep breath, and bring it in. What do you really have control over? You can control how you think and feel about it/them. You can control how you react. You can control your breathing. You can control your words. Really you have so much control, so you can let go of the control of other people and situations. Isn’t that a relief?

If you want help figuring out how to let go of controlling others, and start controlling what’s going on inside, set up a free mini-session with me here.