Thursday Thought: Just because I don’t see, doesn’t mean it’s not there

My coach, Jody Moore, likes to say that confidence isn’t thinking you’re great. Confidence is knowing that you’re great, and you’re not great.

I think this is so powerful to notice about myself AND others. Our human brains like to compare ourselves and each other. We like to kind of decide who’s higher and who’s lower. You’ve heard the phrase, “put her on a pedestal” or “look up to her”.

Ezra Taft Benson gave an amazing sermon on pride. He says that pride isn’t just looking down on someone else. It’s looking UP at someone else, also.

Pride keeps us from confidence. If we think we’re better or somehow less than someone else, we can’t really love ourselves or them.

Just because I don’t see someone else’s struggle, or someone else’s amazingness doesn’t mean it’s not there. Just because I don’t see my own struggle, or my own amazingness, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

How To Mess Up

Have you ever watched professional basketball and wondered how the players could miss a free-throw? I mean, how many times do you think a professional basketball player has made a basket? I would say probably in the thousands, if not hundreds of thousands. And yet, even when they’re standing at the line, with nobody even guarding them, they still miss it sometimes.

So…you’re working on something…let’s say not losing your cool with your kids. How many times have you felt like losing your cool, but you haven’t? Hundreds, maybe? And then you lose your cool and you think, “I’m such a failure. I’ll never get this. I shouldn’t have been a mom.”

Do you think when a professional basketball player misses a free throw that they think, “I’ll never be able to make a basket 100% of the time. I’m such a failure.” Of course, not! Are they disappointed? Maybe even a little frustrated with themselves? Probably. But they don’t stay there. They expect they’ll miss sometimes. EVEN after all of their practice.

When you’re working on something, losing weight, getting into shape, loving someone, using kinder language, expect that you’ll make progress, and then you’ll mess up. Expect that you’ll get it wrong, even when you “know better”. Even when you’ve been working at it for years. Even when you’re really good at it. That’s just part of being a human.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help working on your goals. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Make It a Good Day…Or Don’t

When I was in University, I had a boyfriend that instead of saying, “Have a good day!” would say, “Make it a good day!” I understood he was trying to say something like, “Good days don’t just happen, you make them happen.” Which, of course, is a concept that I really believe. However, whenever he would say this, I would think to myself, in a snarky voice, “YOU make it a good day yourself!”

Why did I feel so uptight when he would say this to me? I had this idea that it was kind of like a judgement. I had the ability to make it a good day, and if I didn’t there was something wrong with me.

Have you ever felt that way? Like, “good people are happy, and I’m not happy, so I must not be good”. Or maybe it sounds like this, “Good moms are happy, and I’m not happy, so I must not be a good mom, or at least the best mom I could be for my kids.”

One day I said to my coach, “It’s just so exhausting trying to be happy all of the time.” She said to me, “What if you didn’t HAVE to be happy all of the time?” What? Why wouldn’t I want to be happy?

Well, it’s a skill. With any other skill, it takes practice and effort. Sometimes we may want to put our effort into being happy when we’re having lots of negative thoughts and need to look at them and change them. Sometimes we may want to put our effort into making dinner, or taking care of our kids, or working on another goal.

Of course, those things are easier when we’re happy, BUT if you had to always be happy to do those things, you’d be spending a lot of your time and effort on being happy, and may not have time and effort left over.

So…make it a good day….or don’t. It doesn’t make you better or worse whatever choice you make. You’re still a worthwhile and very loved and treasured daughter of God EVEN if you choose to feel grumpy, or worried, or scared, overwhelmed all day.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Thursday Thought: Trust the process

Sometimes we want to get to the end of whatever we’re doing. Right.Now.

We think we’ll feel better on the other side.

So we push harder.

We do more.

We get there faster.

But then we stop and fall apart.

It doesn’t feel like we thought it would.

What if instead of pushing harder, we trusted harder?

What if instead of running faster, we slowed down and looked around?

What if we saw what was good right now?

Then we kept taking one step at-a-time.

That’s what trusting the process looks like.

It’s taking one step at a time, knowing you’ll reach the other side, but also knowing that it’s good right here. right now.

 

P.S. Want some help with finding out why it’s okay to be where you are, so you don’t have to rush so hard to get where you’re going? Sign-up for a free one-on-one coaching session with me.

Thursday Thought: I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with concepts, such as money and time. If time were a person, what would my relationship with Time be like? How do I think about this person TIME?

Some of my thoughts I’ve had about Time are: she’s never enough; I never have fun with her; I never get to take a break with her; She is controlling me; I need to control her. If I thought these things about a friend, I wouldn’t feel like we were very good friends.

I try to think these thoughts about Time: She’s always enough; I make sure I have fun with her sometimes; I plan with her so that I can work, play, relax, learn, and do all of the things I want to do with her.

I came up with this thought with a client I was working with: I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun. If you feel like it’s really true that you don’t have enough time, try It’s possible, I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun.

Sign-up for a free coaching session, and I will help you create a more relaxed relationship with time.

I’m a mess!

Last week, I wrote about creating with a toddler. Because I’m a life coach, I’m very tempted to hide the mess my toddler makes. I get really upset with my toddler, and think I should be able to control her so that she doesn’t make any messes.

When I was deep in depression, I spent so much time being angry with the toddler inside of me. I didn’t want her to be there. I didn’t want any of her mess. I thought once I grew up, I wouldn’t have the toddler anymore. What I’m working on is loving her, even loving her messes.

Her (my) messes don’t look professional. Sometimes people get hurt stepping through her (my) messes. Her (my) messes are not pretty.

I’m writing to tell you, I’m still a mess, but in all of that mess, I’m creating things I didn’t even know I could create. It’s so fun! Sometimes my toddler, primitive brain, tells me to be scared, to stop trying, that my creation is ugly, or doesn’t look how it “should”. But when I really focus on creating, and love the toddler inside of me, and her (my) mess, it’s invigorating. We can never totally get rid of the mess, but I can teach you how to love it, embrace it, and create amazing things in the midst of it. Sign-up for a free mini-session to get started!

Thursday Thought: Enough Is A Decision, Not An Amount

My brain has been feeding me the thought lately of, “I’m not good enough.” This thought seems to be pretty universal. But the cool thing about thought work is knowing that it’s JUST a thought. It’s not true or false. Usually, if it’s a thought that comes to you a lot, it’s because it’s a thought that you believe is somewhat true. Usually the thoughts we don’t believe at all just pass on by.

So, I’ve been thinking this thought a lot, and it makes me feel insecure. Well, my friend told me this thought, “Enough is a decision, not an amount.” When she first told me, I was thinking of it in terms of doing things. Which is still really helpful. But then I applied it to just who I am. I get to decide that I’m enough.

Running a 10k, or starting a business, or weighing a certain amount, or having 10 kids, or having kids that are smart, or being pretty doesn’t make me enough. I just decide I’m enough.

Sometimes when things turn out the way we want to, then we give ourselves permission to believe we’re enough. But those things didn’t make us enough, our thoughts make us feel like we’re enough. No matter if we make money, our kids are smart or struggle, we have no kids or 25 kids, we weigh 100 pounds or 500 pounds. We get to believe we’re enough whenever we want. And no one has to agree with us.

How many times have you heard your friend say, “I’m just not good enough,” and you’re like, “What?! You who are skinny and nice and pretty and talented and don’t yell at your kids. Tell me what makes you not good enough.” Their brains will focus on some evidence of how they’re not perfect in some way, just like your brain is focusing on evidence of why you’re not perfect. Good enough doesn’t mean perfect. It also doesn’t mean you won’t improve. In fact, good enough means you’re not perfect. It means you’re enough, imperfections and all.

So, just decide you’re good enough, right now, before you reach your goal, while your kids are struggling, while you’re struggling.

Comment and tell me how you’re good enough right now, even though you’re not perfect.

Thursday Thought: Nature Never Rushes, Yet Everything Gets Done

To continue from Monday’s post, I love this thought. I heard it when I went on a shinrin yoku walk, which simply put is a walk through nature. We can think of this for ourselves when we’re feeling rushed. But it’s also applicable as parents when we want our kids to learn a skill. Sometimes it feels like they’re never going to get it, and we push, and punish, and we bribe (I mean, I’m sure you never do, but some of us succumb to bribing :)). We’re in a huge rush for them to “get it”.

As I was in the forest I thought of it like we want to go to the beach, so we’re rushing to get ourselves and everyone else ready to go to the beach without realizing that it’s actually Winter. When we get to the beach it’s not anything like we expected because it’s Winter. Then we say, “I did everything I could to make this happen, and it’s not even enjoyable.” But it’s just because we were rushing something that wasn’t the right time. Nature doesn’t just stand still, it just doesn’t do everything at the same time. It has seasons. Even in the Winter when it seems that everything has just stopped, it hasn’t, it’s just going very slowly. What insights do you have about this thought: Nature never rushes, yet everything gets done?

When You Need To Fix The Problem RIGHT NOW

I was up in the middle of the night trying to figure out how to fix a problem we’re having with our kids. It has been going on for 6 years, yet I still have the thought that it needs to be fixed RIGHT NOW. After awhile, I realized I was coming from desperation to get it fixed. Immediately I started trying to fix my thoughts so I could come from a better emotion to fix it. I was desperate to feel better so I could THEN fix the problem. It was interesting to see how I went from desperately trying to change the circumstance, to desperately trying to change my thoughts.

There’s nothing that needs fixed right now. How do you feel when you think it needs to be fixed right now, and it’s not? What kind of action does it give you? For me, it makes me feel desperate. This closes down all of my creativity, and I tend to do extreme things, like empty all of our cupboards and fill them with completely different foods to change our diet, or get rid of all of our screens, or donate half of our toys. Or I do nothing at all; I freeze. Desperation is not a helpful emotion, ever.

There is NOTHING that needs to be taken care of RIGHT NOW, unless it’s a life-or-death situation, which hardly anything is. The problem is almost everything FEELS like a life-or-death situation because that’s how our brains are wired. So just remind yourself that this can take as long as it needs to. Because guess what…it’s going to. It’s like finding something you’ve lost in the last place you look. Of course, because you stop looking once you find it.

What feels urgent to you right now? What will happen if it doesn’t “get taken care of”? And then what? And then what? And then what?

 

Living In The Gain

“The way to measure your progress is backward against where you started, not against your ideal.” Dan Sullivan, The Gain and The Gap.

When you’re looking over your year in 2018, what goals did you have? Did you reach them? If not, how do you feel about that?

You can either look at the Gap-the difference between where you wanted to be, and where you are. Or you can look at the Gain-the difference between where you are from where you started. If you think of your goal like a puzzle that’s not completely finished, are you looking at the pieces that are missing and feeling disappointed you didn’t finish the puzzle? Or are you looking at all of the pieces you put together? One way will make you feel like a failure-not very motivating to keep going. The other way will make you feel successful-totally motivating. Which will you choose?