Why We Don’t Reach Our Goals

Some immediate happiness or instant gratification is easy to see, such as: eating more food when we’re not hungry, but we’re working on a goal to lose weight; staying in bed instead of getting up to study the scriptures as we had planned; or watching a movie instead of working on a project we’re stuck on, but we want to get done.

Other instant gratification is trickier to see, such as: yelling at our kids instead of taking a breath and waiting until we’re calm to talk to them; gossiping about someone instead of staying silent or deciding to focus on the positive; or believing all of the thoughts that come to our brain instead of sifting through and deciding what we want to believe on purpose.

Long-term happiness or delayed gratification looks just the opposite. It’s not just doing what feels good and easy right now. It’s how we achieve our goals. It’s doing what might be hard and uncomfortable right now so that we can have it easier or better in the future.

Let’s not tell ourselves that we’re lazy or have something morally wrong with us when we choose immediate happiness over long-term happiness.

Remember we all have a lower human brain whose job it is to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and expend the least amount of energy possible. We also have a higher human brain whose job it is to delay pleasure and gratification for a more desirable result, lean into uncomfortable emotions and pain, and expend whatever energy is necessary to get what we really want.

There’s nothing wrong with us when we do what’s easy now instead of what’s hard. We’re just listening and following our lower brain instead of our higher brain. It’s totally fine. Let’s just like our reason, and make the decision consciously of whether to go for the immediate gratification or delayed gratification.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Thursday Thought: Trust the process

Sometimes we want to get to the end of whatever we’re doing. Right.Now.

We think we’ll feel better on the other side.

So we push harder.

We do more.

We get there faster.

But then we stop and fall apart.

It doesn’t feel like we thought it would.

What if instead of pushing harder, we trusted harder?

What if instead of running faster, we slowed down and looked around?

What if we saw what was good right now?

Then we kept taking one step at-a-time.

That’s what trusting the process looks like.

It’s taking one step at a time, knowing you’ll reach the other side, but also knowing that it’s good right here. right now.

 

P.S. Want some help with finding out why it’s okay to be where you are, so you don’t have to rush so hard to get where you’re going? Sign-up for a free one-on-one coaching session with me.

Thursday Thought: ALL the adults are making it up

When I was a kid, I was excited to be an adult and really know what I’m doing. Then I became an adult, and I realized I don’t know what I’m doing. However, I imagined that everyone around me had life mostly figured out. They seemed confident. Of course, I realized there were some things they were figuring out, but they seemed confident in figuring it out.

My friend said to me the other day, “You know what I realized? ALL of the adults are just making it up.” It totally blew my mind. It’s so true! We all feel confident in some areas, and we all have areas where we don’t feel quite as confident. But even when we feel confident about something, we’re still just deciding to be confident. Confidence comes from our thoughts.

So, if you ever feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re just getting by day-to-day. Just know that…ALL of us adults are just making it up. That’s the fun of being an adult, and sometimes the scary of being an adult.

If you don’t like what you’re making up, and you’d like some help to make up something different, or to feel confident about it, sign-up for a free one-on-one coaching session where I’ll teach you how to create your life on purpose.

Thursday Thought: I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with concepts, such as money and time. If time were a person, what would my relationship with Time be like? How do I think about this person TIME?

Some of my thoughts I’ve had about Time are: she’s never enough; I never have fun with her; I never get to take a break with her; She is controlling me; I need to control her. If I thought these things about a friend, I wouldn’t feel like we were very good friends.

I try to think these thoughts about Time: She’s always enough; I make sure I have fun with her sometimes; I plan with her so that I can work, play, relax, learn, and do all of the things I want to do with her.

I came up with this thought with a client I was working with: I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun. If you feel like it’s really true that you don’t have enough time, try It’s possible, I have plenty of time to do what I need to, and there’s time left over for fun.

Sign-up for a free coaching session, and I will help you create a more relaxed relationship with time.

Struggling with a Transition? Read on…

This is a picture of my Grandma and me just before I left on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This was one of the times I remember really struggling with a transition to something new. The day I entered the Missionary Training Center, I thought I felt good, but looking back I realize I just didn’t feel bad. I actually didn’t feel anything. Feeling nothing was better than feeling scared, right?

That first night all of the new missionaries came together for a special meeting with the Mission President. The closing song was “Lord, I Would Follow Thee”. During the hymn I started crying, which was fine until I realized it was becoming uncontrollable. I was in the second row to the front, right where I felt like everyone sitting at the front of the meeting could see me. As we were dismissed, I hurried into the hall, but I wasn’t alone. The Mission President’s wife followed me and hurried me into the first door she could find, which happened to be the custodial closet. She put her arm around me and asked, “Is everything in your life in order?” I was mortified. She thought I was crying because I had done something that I needed to repent of. I don’t blame her. Why else would I be crying so uncontrollably in a public place?

What I didn’t know then, but that I know now, is that big transitions are really hard for me because I have a lot of practiced thoughts about doing new things. I think  thoughts such as: I should know how to do this; Mistakes are bad; Everyone else knows what they’re doing; Others won’t like me if I do this wrong; I’m the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on; I have to do this right.

I’ve never really even articulated those thoughts as what causes my pain. But when I write them down, I can see why they would create so much fear. Thoughts I’m practicing now during transitions are: I don’t need to know how to do this yet, that’s what I’m figuring out; If I already knew how to do this, I would have already done it; Everyone has to figure this out for themselves; No one is born knowing how to do this; I’m willing to do it wrong; There’s probably someone else who would benefit by me asking a question or getting clarification. If you’re struggling through something new, notice what you’re thinking, and try on some of these thoughts.

If you would like some one-on-one help, sign-up for a free coaching session with me. I’ll help you understand what’s so hard, and how to help yourself through it.

 

Thursday Thought: If life were easy, it wouldn’t be hard

Obviously! But why is that even helpful? I fell into a trap for awhile of thinking that life should be easy…if I was doing it right. If life was hard then I must be doing something wrong.

What if life is hard precisely because you’re doing something right? What if life is hard because you’re going through something that is stretching you and making you grow?

So, yes, “men are that they might have joy“. It’s something we want to seek after. But it’s not everything. There’s also “opposition in ALL things“. If life were easy, it wouldn’t be hard. If life is feeling extra hard right now, try asking yourself what you’re doing right that is making it so hard. Are you raising kids? Are you married? Are you trying to take care of your body? Are you trying to live righteously? If you’re trying, you’re doing something right, that makes life hard.

Want to talk to someone about what’s so hard in your life right now? Sign-up for a FREE 30 minute coaching session with me, and I’ll help you find at least one thing to help lighten your burden.

 

 

Life is Just Creating With A Toddler

I feel like my brain is expanding more and more about how we create EVERYTHING in our lives. Most often we don’t get to choose the materials we create with. I’m imagining sitting in a the living room with a toddler. We’ve been given the same materials to create with. The toddler is mostly making a mess, and every now and then gets something simple that looks alright.

I’m next to the toddler trying to create what I “should”. Sometimes I look at the mess the toddler is making and kind of give up working on my creation. What’s the use? I can’t get the toddler under control, and her stuff is making my stuff not look the way it “should”.

Sometimes I scold the toddler about how bad of a job she’s doing. When people come to see what I’m creating, I try to hide the mess the toddler is making. I try to keep it short and not let them get too close to see all of the mess.

I think that I should be able to control the toddler. I think there shouldn’t be a mess. It should just be my creation.

Sometimes I look at the materials someone else was given and think, “If I had the materials they were given I could do a better job.”

Sometimes it looks like their toddler isn’t making any mess. Some people have really rambunctious toddlers and I judge them, thinking, “You should really keep your toddler under control, then you wouldn’t have such a big mess.” I think I could handle their toddler better than they are, or that I could do better than they are with the materials they have.

The materials we are given are our circumstances. The toddler is our primitive brain. We are our higher brain.

We spend SO much time just wishing we could have different materials, circumstances. We spend so much time wishing we didn’t have a toddler, primitive brain, to work with. We spend so much energy judging our mess, judging our neighbour’s mess.

How much better would we feel, how much more would we create, if we stopped focusing on the mess and focused on the creation in front of us? How much better would we feel if we stopped wishing we had different circumstances to work with and just got to creating with what we had? What if we stopped asking outside of us what we “should” create, and thought about what we WANT to create?

I have this strong belief that if we all just created what we could with what we had our lives would be amazing, and we would all enrich each other. But sometimes we’re just so focused on the mess, or we’re so afraid of what others will think of our creation, that we create small, or we don’t create what we love.

What do you want to create? Sign-up for a free mini-session with me, and I’ll give you a powerful tool to help you on your way.

 

Thursday Thought: The answers aren’t out there, they’re inside of me.

Do you ever feel like there’s so much that you need to read or listen to? It’s like if you could read, listen, and watch it all you’re sure your life would be better. Yet, you can’t seem to stay on top of it all? It seems like when this happens that we would just get on it and read and watch and listen and apply all of it.

Have you noticed how the opposite happens? Maybe you do read and listen to a lot of things, but there seems to always be more coming your way. Someone else is telling you about something amazing that has helped them in some way. You don’t have time to actually apply what you learn. You feel like you’re being so productive, but nothing seems to be changing.

I want to offer the reason this happens is because you have two thoughts: 1-I’m going to miss out on something important that will change my life; 2-THE answer I need is out there.

In this period of time, when there is SO much information available to us, I want to offer to you: 1-It’s not possible to miss out on something you NEED to know. You will come across information you need at the perfect time. 2-THE answers are inside of you. You may come across information, but it’s not useful to you until you make it your own, and you interpret it inside.

I am really good at helping you find your own answers inside of you. If you’ve ever wondered if coaching could help you, sign-up for a free 30-minute session, where I’ll help you tap into your inner wisdom to find answers you’re looking for.

Thursday Thought: What IS working?

We’ve been trying to figure out a health condition with my son. It has been going on for 5 years now. My brain likes to tell me that is a really long time, and we should have it figured out by now. Each time we have a “set-back” I quickly go to despair. I watched someone else get coached on a chronic health condition. She kept saying, “It’s not working.” The coach asked her, “What is working?” It totally changed everything! It changed the focus on what wasn’t working to what was working. Maybe something that WAS working isn’t working anymore. But what’s working now?

Ask this question with any problem you’re facing. How does it change your perspective?

I’d love to hear about it! Book a free mini-session with me here.

Have you heard the scraping in the wall?

We heard the scraping in the wall, and saw the pellets on the ground, so we set up some mousetraps in our basement. It has been a couple of weeks, and nothing. Then this morning, Xander yells, “Mom! We caught a mouse!” I could hardly walk into the room where he was. My heart was pounding. I felt frozen. I stood there for a good minute before I peaked around the corner at the trap to see the mouse. I seriously peaked and closed my eyes, so I had to look again. I looked so fast the next time that I had to look AGAIN! I couldn’t see the mouse, but I couldn’t quite tell what was going on with the trap, so I had to look closer. When I really examined it, I realized there was no mouse! Xander had just been mistaken. He was out of the room by now and I told him there was no mouse, and he said, “I saw a claw!” No, my dear, it was all made up in your mind, just like all of the fear I felt was made up from my thoughts.

I would say I was afraid of the mouse, but since there was no mouse, that’s not even possible! I was afraid THINKING about the mouse. My thoughts created all of the emotion.

What other thoughts are creating debilitating fear of things that aren’t even there?

Want me to help you find them? Sign-up for a free mini-session to get started on feeling more of the way you want to feel.