Thursday Thought: It’s Okay To Feel This Way

We receive messages everywhere telling us that we should always feel good. We can get the idea that it’s wrong to feel a certain way, or even that there’s something wrong with us to feel a certain. But the only reason we feel an emotion is because of a thought we’re having, and subconsciously or consciously we’re believing.

When I start to worry that there’s something wrong with me, or that I have done something wrong to feel the way I’m feeling, I like to remind myself: It’s okay to feel discouraged. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to feel judgmental. It’s not harmful. I can just feel it. It may not be a helpful emotion, which I can figure out later, but for now it’s okay to just process it. It doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong, or that there’s something wrong with me.

Breathe. Feel.

Thursday Thought: Maybe They’re Not Trying To Hurt Me

Mothers-in-law. Sisters-in-law. Husbands. Bosses. Co-workers. They’re so annoying, right? And they think they know more than you, right? And they’re always trying to prove you wrong, and they do everything wrong. And they think differently than you.

Have you ever thought, “Maybe they’re not trying to hurt me.”? or “Maybe they’re not trying to annoy me.”? or “Maybe they’re not trying to be idiotic.”? Seriously? But seriously. They may just be trying to do their best, and maybe it’s not very good, but it’s their best. Try it on. This one is super helpful.

Where’s Your Focus? (Movies Part 2)

When I’m having thoughts that make my life seem bleak, sometimes I like to pretend I’m in a movie. I love those movies of Ireland where they show the country side, or an old worn down castle and play beautiful music in the background. It’s all so romantic to me. We moved to Ontario about 7 years ago. I waffle between loving it and not loving it. This may sound weird, but one of the things that was hard to get used to is that there are growing things EVERYWHERE. I grew up in the desert, so if you wanted a plant, you had to plant it and take care of it or it would dry up. In Ontario, plants grow whether you want them to or not (unless they’re in my house, then they die ;)). I felt like nature was taking me over. Then one day I was driving down the road and there was a beautiful sunset in front of me, and I noticed the beautiful trees and plants and open space in front of me. I realized it was the kind of picturesque view they would show in a movie. However, in the movie they wouldn’t show the construction, and roads, and power lines around. They’d just show the beautiful part. Ever since then I can’t drive down that road without thinking about how I love having such a beautiful space so close to my house. I had missed it for several years because I focused on the less beautiful things around.

Thursday Thought: Something I Like About Me Is…

Before we say family prayers each night, everyone goes around the circle and says something they like or appreciate about the person who is going to say the prayer. The person saying the prayer also says something they like or appreciate about themselves. It’s so nice at the end of a day that you feel like was full of mistakes to say to yourself, “Something I like about me is…” Remember, there are no thought police, so you can say whatever you want at the end of that sentence. What do you want to be true? Can you find any evidence for it? If you just yelled at your spouse, can you still say, “Something I like about me is I’m kind to my spouse,”? Totally. Find evidence of the times that you are kind to your spouse. Have you ever been kind to him/her? Think about it. Ponder on that. How much easier is it to apologize when you realize that you’re not a monster, you just behaved in a way that you didn’t like, but you don’t always behave that way? When you love yourself, you can love others so much more! So love yourself on purpose.

The Genre Of Your Life

Who doesn’t love a good movie? We love it because we know it’s not real. Even when we kind of think it’s real, we know it’s not really real. I love movies based on true stories. The stories they’re based on are ones that seem to be tragic at some point, but then it resolves to something grand in the end, and you get to see how all of the parts fit together.

If you were in a movie right now, what genre would it be? Would the kids crying and screaming on the way out the door be a comedy or a tragedy? Would your husband looking on as you make dinner be a romance or a comedy? Change the genre of what’s happening in your life and see how your perspective changes. It’s only your thoughts that make it that way, anyway, so choose it the way you want to. This helps your brain to see that what you’re thinking about your life is what’s creating the feel of it. It’s not necessarily real that you’re in a tragedy; it could just as well be a comedy, or a romance.

There Are No Thought Police

When I was at coach training, my instructor told me, “There are no thought police. You can believe any thought you want.” If you were looking through the thoughts on the shelf and you saw one that said, “I am amazing!”, would you pick it up? Why or why not? Are you afraid if you decided to believe that thought and carry it around with you that someone would come along and tell you, “You can’t believe that thought, it’s not true.”? Guess what, someone could do that, but they have no authority unless you give it to them. There are no thought police. You get to believe whatever you want. Feel free to pick up any of these thoughts, or any others you see on the shelf and take them home with you, they’re FREE:

  • I’m amazing!
  • My value is infinite, no matter what I do and don’t do.
  • I’m such a good mom.
  • I’m beautiful.
  • I don’t make and spend money, it flows in and out of my life as it’s supposed to.
  • My husband adores me.
  • I’m in the perfect place in my journey.
  • My past experiences were exactly what I needed.
  • My future is bright.
  • I’m succeeding.

Thursday Thought: The Relationship Is Paramount

A few years ago, my husband had a responsibility at church that made it so that he left early, and I would get the kids ready on my own and to church, hopefully on time. I made a conscious decision that to me it was more important that we get there in a good mood than that we get there on time. So I planned ahead. I knew it was easier for me to be in a good mood if I had enough time to get ready myself, and THEN get the boys ready. It was really awesome. We usually got ready with enough time to play a game or read a book before church AND get there on time.

Then my husband was released from his responsibility and for some reason I forgot to make this a priority. I found myself always rushed and harried on Sunday mornings. I wanted to get to church ON TIME! I had lots of negative thoughts about my husband and my kids and how they were incapable of getting ready and getting to church on time. I blamed them for not even being able to get ready and out the door myself. It was not good for my relationship with anyone.

Then I remembered, “The relationship is paramount.” If we’re late, we’re late. Being snarky and demeaning wasn’t helping anyone get ready any faster. But it was hurting my relationship with the people I love most. I’m working on repeating this to myself whenever I start to feel uptight and want to blame someone else for what I think is going wrong. It relaxes me immediately and my mind opens up to thoughts like, “maybe they’re not trying to annoy me”, “maybe they’re doing the best they can”, “maybe I could focus on getting ready myself so I can help them after”, and “how would I hope they’d interact with me if I were running late?”

How can you remember the importance of the relationship in stressful times?

Thursday Thought: It’s Okay For Them To Be Wrong About Me

That person that you notice watching you for a minute and a half at the check-out stand while you bribe your child with a piece of candy to just hold on for two more minutes until you get to the car because he’s 45 minutes past their nap time. Your sister that tells you you’re selfish because you decide to stay home by yourself and watch a movie instead of accepting her invitation to go on a walk because you’re pretty sure you’d say something rude while you were with her because it has been “one of those days”. Your child’s principal that insinuates you don’t have a clue about discipline because your child throws a grand mal tantrum when you leave them one day at school; or the parent standing by that you’re sure thinks you’re the worst parent because you left your child screaming at that school. The person at church that looks at you sideways because you check your phone to be sure your sick teenager at home texts you that they need you to come home immediately.

All of these people that if they only knew what was in your heart. If they only knew what you’d been through today. If they could only see you in different situations. If they only knew what you knew. They’d know…they’d know you’re not made up of just this one moment. They’d understand that in this situation, you were making the best decision for everyone involved. But they don’t know. And there may not be anyway for them to know or understand. So they have thoughts. Thoughts about you. Thoughts that are incomplete, or flat-out untrue.

So you remind yourself, “It’s okay for them to be wrong about me.” Their thoughts don’t mean anything about you. Their thoughts only mean something about them and their experiences. Their thoughts are only thoughts. It’s okay to be misunderstood. Breathe. Love yourself for them. Love yourself for you.

Thursday Thought: No One Has Any Responsibility To See My Value

Working on confidence has been really eye-opening to me. I’ve realized that I have confident thoughts in different situations and around different people. It’s funny how I’ll mostly believe a confident thought, but then I want someone else to validate to me that it really is true. Like many people, I’ve turned to outside sources to validate that I’m of worth. There are a lot of marriage books that recommend that we validate our spouse. I used to show them to Steve, and painstakingly try to explain to him how to validate me. I thought if he validated me, then I would feel better. But it didn’t work. I’d accuse him of lying, of just saying what I told him to say! I don’t think it’s bad to validate your spouse, the problem comes when you NEED that validation, or you won’t believe your own thoughts about your worth.

I love the thought, “No one has any responsibility to see my value.” It’s so freeing!  It’s so nice to not be constantly trying to get others to see my value, but to let them see what they want to see and think what they want to think. If they see it, that’s great for them because they get to feel nice feelings. If they don’t, no problem, because I’m not waiting for them to validate it. I’m already doing that for myself.

Is this a good thought for you? Try it on and let me know.

I Can Help You With Your Problem!

I am back from coach training at The Life Coach School.  As part of my practicum to become a Certified Life and Weight Coach, I am offering 5 free sessions of coaching to anyone interested. What problems would you like coaching on? Do you want to lose weight? Do you have a relationship that you want to improve? Do you want more money? Do you want to get started on a goal that you keep putting off? I can help you with that! Go to my website emergingbravely.com and sign-up for some free coaching.