Thursday Thought: I’m always just a little wrinkly

I was clothes shopping with a friend, and I asked her how she would keep a jumper I was trying on non-wrinkly. Would she really iron it all of the time? She said, “Oh no, I’m just always a little wrinkly.”

A few days later, I was noticing myself feeling so down about all of my perceived short-comings, and this thought came to me, “I’m just always a little wrinkly.” It came to me in her tone of voice that said, “I love your wrinkles. You are just fine. You aren’t meant to be pristine and perfectly ironed. This life is all about having wrinkles and loving them, and loving other people’s wrinkles too. We’re all just a little bit wrinkly.”

I hope you can love your wrinkles today.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Why We Don’t Reach Our Goals

Some immediate happiness or instant gratification is easy to see, such as: eating more food when we’re not hungry, but we’re working on a goal to lose weight; staying in bed instead of getting up to study the scriptures as we had planned; or watching a movie instead of working on a project we’re stuck on, but we want to get done.

Other instant gratification is trickier to see, such as: yelling at our kids instead of taking a breath and waiting until we’re calm to talk to them; gossiping about someone instead of staying silent or deciding to focus on the positive; or believing all of the thoughts that come to our brain instead of sifting through and deciding what we want to believe on purpose.

Long-term happiness or delayed gratification looks just the opposite. It’s not just doing what feels good and easy right now. It’s how we achieve our goals. It’s doing what might be hard and uncomfortable right now so that we can have it easier or better in the future.

Let’s not tell ourselves that we’re lazy or have something morally wrong with us when we choose immediate happiness over long-term happiness.

Remember we all have a lower human brain whose job it is to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and expend the least amount of energy possible. We also have a higher human brain whose job it is to delay pleasure and gratification for a more desirable result, lean into uncomfortable emotions and pain, and expend whatever energy is necessary to get what we really want.

There’s nothing wrong with us when we do what’s easy now instead of what’s hard. We’re just listening and following our lower brain instead of our higher brain. It’s totally fine. Let’s just like our reason, and make the decision consciously of whether to go for the immediate gratification or delayed gratification.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Thursday Thought: I get to believe whatever I want to about myself

What do you think about yourself? I want you to get a piece of paper and write down the story you believe about yourself.

Your brain is going to tell you that this story is true. I want to offer to you that it is just a story. Think about a woman that stays in an abusive relationship because she tells herself that she doesn’t deserve any better. Is her story true? Of course not. Of course she deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

Did you know you get to believe whatever you want to about yourself? I give you permission right now. 

Now write the story you WANT to believe about yourself. What if it’s possible that this story is just as true as your original story? I’m telling you it is. Right now. Tell me how it is already true.
P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

When You Need a Cheerleader

One time I was in a marriage seminar where they said, “You should be your spouse’s cheerleader. There are enough critics out there; you don’t need to be that for your spouse.” Which I think is super great advice IF you’re using it for you and how you want to be. However, on this particular occasion, I thought, “Yes, I just need Steve to be my cheerleader.”

I remember talking to him so many times, trying to explain to him how I needed him to be my cheerleader and how to do it. Guess what, it never worked. This is not because he is inept at being a cheerleader. It’s because I didn’t believe the positive things he said about me, so I hardly even heard them. AND I became very critical of him and his efforts. Ironic.

Then one day I decided to be my own cheerleader. Since, apparently Steve couldn’t do it right (or so I thought), I would have to do it myself. Guess what, I always knew exactly what I wanted to hear. I didn’t believe it at first, but I kept at it, and eventually, I started believing the things I told myself. 

THEN I noticed that Steve WAS cheering me on. He had been cheering me on all along. I just couldn’t hear it because my self-doubt in my head was louder.

Be your own cheerleader first. Then if others happen to be cheering you on, you can enjoy that. But it always starts with you.
P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

Thursday Thought: I’m the best one to take care of me

On Monday I shared how sometimes we want to blame others for our suffering.

If they would just say they loved me.

If they would just accept me the way I am.

If they would just support me in the things I want to do.

If they would just clean up after themselves.

When my brain gives me these thoughts and tells me I would feel better if someone else would change, I remind myself, “I’m the best one to take care of me.”

If I want someone to love me…I’m the best one to love me.

If I want someone to accept me…I’m the best one to accept me.

If I want someone to support me in the things I’m doing…I’m the best one to do that.

I’m also the best one to clean up after myself.

Think about what you wish someone else would say or do. Then you do or say it. Then thank yourself for being that one.

P.S. If you like these posts and are interested in getting some more personal help with your struggles or seeing your amazingness. I’d love for you to sign-up for a free coaching session. You don’t have to come prepared or have anything necessarily to say. I will ask you questions and guide you the whole time. I’d love to meet you!

I’m a mess!

Last week, I wrote about creating with a toddler. Because I’m a life coach, I’m very tempted to hide the mess my toddler makes. I get really upset with my toddler, and think I should be able to control her so that she doesn’t make any messes.

When I was deep in depression, I spent so much time being angry with the toddler inside of me. I didn’t want her to be there. I didn’t want any of her mess. I thought once I grew up, I wouldn’t have the toddler anymore. What I’m working on is loving her, even loving her messes.

Her (my) messes don’t look professional. Sometimes people get hurt stepping through her (my) messes. Her (my) messes are not pretty.

I’m writing to tell you, I’m still a mess, but in all of that mess, I’m creating things I didn’t even know I could create. It’s so fun! Sometimes my toddler, primitive brain, tells me to be scared, to stop trying, that my creation is ugly, or doesn’t look how it “should”. But when I really focus on creating, and love the toddler inside of me, and her (my) mess, it’s invigorating. We can never totally get rid of the mess, but I can teach you how to love it, embrace it, and create amazing things in the midst of it. Sign-up for a free mini-session to get started!

Life is Just Creating With A Toddler

I feel like my brain is expanding more and more about how we create EVERYTHING in our lives. Most often we don’t get to choose the materials we create with. I’m imagining sitting in a the living room with a toddler. We’ve been given the same materials to create with. The toddler is mostly making a mess, and every now and then gets something simple that looks alright.

I’m next to the toddler trying to create what I “should”. Sometimes I look at the mess the toddler is making and kind of give up working on my creation. What’s the use? I can’t get the toddler under control, and her stuff is making my stuff not look the way it “should”.

Sometimes I scold the toddler about how bad of a job she’s doing. When people come to see what I’m creating, I try to hide the mess the toddler is making. I try to keep it short and not let them get too close to see all of the mess.

I think that I should be able to control the toddler. I think there shouldn’t be a mess. It should just be my creation.

Sometimes I look at the materials someone else was given and think, “If I had the materials they were given I could do a better job.”

Sometimes it looks like their toddler isn’t making any mess. Some people have really rambunctious toddlers and I judge them, thinking, “You should really keep your toddler under control, then you wouldn’t have such a big mess.” I think I could handle their toddler better than they are, or that I could do better than they are with the materials they have.

The materials we are given are our circumstances. The toddler is our primitive brain. We are our higher brain.

We spend SO much time just wishing we could have different materials, circumstances. We spend so much time wishing we didn’t have a toddler, primitive brain, to work with. We spend so much energy judging our mess, judging our neighbour’s mess.

How much better would we feel, how much more would we create, if we stopped focusing on the mess and focused on the creation in front of us? How much better would we feel if we stopped wishing we had different circumstances to work with and just got to creating with what we had? What if we stopped asking outside of us what we “should” create, and thought about what we WANT to create?

I have this strong belief that if we all just created what we could with what we had our lives would be amazing, and we would all enrich each other. But sometimes we’re just so focused on the mess, or we’re so afraid of what others will think of our creation, that we create small, or we don’t create what we love.

What do you want to create? Sign-up for a free mini-session with me, and I’ll give you a powerful tool to help you on your way.

 

Thursday Thought: I don’t have to make it all better

Why do we feel the need to make everyone feel good all of the time? Not everyone feels this, but I think it’s pretty prevalent. What would it be like for you if you were okay with someone not feeling okay? What if you were okay with someone not liking you? What if you just listened to others’ complaints, to your own complaints, and not try to fix it? What would that be like?

The next time someone is upset, or your upset, what if you decided you would just listen to their upset, or feel your own upset? What if you told yourself, “I don’t have to make it all better,”?

How to Improve Any Relationship

I’ve talked about The Manual before and the gist is that we all have detailed instructions for how we think other people in our lives should act and be and feel. The problem is the people in our lives don’t have copies of these manuals, and even if they did, they wouldn’t follow them because it’s like trying to get a refrigerator to be a microwave. It could probably do a few of the same things, but it’s a refrigerator not a microwave.

Today when I was writing down my manual for someone else, so I could take a look at it, I realized that the main problem in that relationship was my manual for myself in that relationship. Did you know we also have manuals for ourselves? What? Well, of course we would follow our own manuals, right?

If we’ve never really sat down and written out our manuals, we don’t really know what’s in them. I had things in my manual like, “I should be calm all of the time.” “I should want to hang out with everyone who wants to hang out with me.” “I should never disappoint my husband.”

Obviously, those instructions aren’t helpful, realistic, or even healthy. What’s in your manual? Write down 10 things right now. Then for each one ask yourself how it makes you feel. Is it useful?

Thursday Thought: What empathy and advice would I give my best friend in this exact situation?

Sometimes I’ll go back and read something I wrote and think, “Wow! That’s so helpful!”

When I’m writing blog posts, I’m not thinking of me. I’m thinking of my clients. The ones who feel so lost and are struggling. I don’t feel that way nearly as much as I used to, but I still do sometimes.

I had some time today when I was really struggling. I thought, “I think I wrote a post about this.” I went and read it, and it was really helpful.

I believe we all have wisdom inside of us. Sometimes our brains on auto-pilot get in the way because they are in survival mode. To tap into our wisdom, we have to be very conscious. That’s when we’re using our pre-frontal cortex, or what I like to call our higher brain.

I encourage you to choose an area in your life where you are struggling. Imagine your best friend, whom you love, is going through what you are, instead of you. Have her tell you why everything is so hard. What would you tell her? What empathy would you give, and what advice would you give? You may be amazed at what comes out of your own brain. The answers to your problems are inside of you.

Ask yourself, “What empathy and advice would I give to my best friend in this exact situation?”