Wanting Other People To Feel Better

When I was learning to speak Spanish, my trainer would correct me. every.single.time. That was her job right? One day I finally told her, “I want to learn Spanish. I want to know when I’m getting it wrong, but not all of the time. Sometimes I just want you to listen to my story.”

Can you relate? You know you have a problem, and you DO want to solve it, but sometimes you just want to talk about it. Sometimes you just want to complain about it. Sometimes you want to feel bad. You may not realize that you want to feel bad, because that’s crazy, right?? But we do. We WANT to feel all of the range of emotions. Talking about it can help us process the emotion, and understand the thoughts creating it.

However, sometimes we have a huge intolerance for negative emotion. We don’t even want other people to feel negative emotion. They’re crying and we say, “Don’t cry!” They’re mad and we say, “Don’t be mad!” We want to fix the “problem” that’s making them feel bad. We give advice so they can get over it.

We think we’re just trying to be kind and help them feel better, but what we’re saying is, “You’re feeling wrong.” What if they need to feel bad? What if the best thing for them is to feel a negative emotion? If we try to stop their pain instead of just listening to them talk about it, it could be like giving them a pain killer when something is really wrong. They won’t realize there’s something they need to pay attention to.

What if you were just there to help them feel their feelings instead of change them? What would that be like?

Thursday Thought: …And It’s Okay

Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in? I think that’s a thought I’ve had a lot of my life. It’s not all of the time, but it’s kind of a go-to thought that hasn’t served me well, and doesn’t feel very good. While getting coached on it, I realized that when I think I don’t fit in, I then decide there must be something wrong with me.

As I was getting coached, I was having a really hard time letting go of the thoughts that I’m different and there might be something wrong with me, so instead of changing it, my coach offered to just add on “…and it’s okay.”

Now when I have that thought come up, I add on “…and it’s okay.” “There might be something wrong with me, and it’s okay.” That thought makes me feel so relieved, instead of sad and desperate. So what if I’m different? So what if there are social skills I could improve on? It’s okay! We’re all different and quirky and have skills in different areas, and it’s okay! It’s nice that we’re not all robots.

What thoughts could you add this onto? Try it, and leave a comment to let me know!

Let Your Ugly Out

It’s pretty eye-opening to just see what thoughts are going on in your head. Sometimes when you realize what they are you may feel shocked. It’s important in these times that you don’t try to push them down and “pretend” like you weren’t thinking them because of what someone might think if they knew.

When I’m coaching clients I let them know that there’s nothing they are thinking that would shock me. I understand that thoughts aren’t a part of us. They come and go. We think some pretty crazy things. Seriously! When something ugly comes out, realize you are not the first person to think that thought. It doesn’t mean anything about you. You can figuratively put it on a cloud and let it float away. You don’t need to give it any more time or space if you don’t want to.

Everyone needs a place to “let their ugly out”. It might be through journaling, coaching, counseling, or a trusted friend. But I encourage you to find a place to see what is going on in your mind, and love yourself anyway.

Feelings Are Not Tigers

When we feel an uncomfortable emotion, our brain sets off the alarm to tell us there is DANGER! As in, “There’s a tiger behind us that wants to eat us!” It does this so we can react quickly. However, we very rarely encounter danger like this in our every day lives, so it’s not useful to just react to our emotions. The problem is that since we realize it’s not usually helpful to react to our emotions we tend to suppress them. When you suppress them, it’s like holding a beach ball under the water. You can only do it so long until it explodes out of the water. A lot of us then come to the misconception that feeling our emotions causes explosions, so we suppress them even more.

What to do instead?? Just allow the emotion. Just feel it. Relax into it. Relax your body and give it time. There are many ways to do this:

One way is to describe the emotion in your body.

Another way is to imagine you’re watching yourself in a movie. What do you look like when you’re just feeling frustrated while you help your kids with their homework, but you’re not reacting to your frustration? What does a person look like who is feeling discouraged while they type up their work assignment, but is just feeling discouraged, not reacting to it or suppressing it? They’re just doing what they’re doing in a more subdued way.

One more way to just allow the emotion is to imagine it as water that is being poured into the crown of your head and the only way it can get out of your body is through your toes. Every time you suppress it, it’s like squeezing the way shut so it can’t get through. Sometimes though it can be a lot of water coming at once, and maybe it’s really tight as it’s going through. It may feel really uncomfortable, but you know you have to just let it slide or it will back up and be more painful, or it will stay around a lot longer, so you have to just feel the discomfort as it moves through your body until it can exit through your toes.

What way makes the most sense to you? Leave a message and let me know.

 

Thursday Thought: Maybe They’re Not Trying To Hurt Me

Mothers-in-law. Sisters-in-law. Husbands. Bosses. Co-workers. They’re so annoying, right? And they think they know more than you, right? And they’re always trying to prove you wrong, and they do everything wrong. And they think differently than you.

Have you ever thought, “Maybe they’re not trying to hurt me.”? or “Maybe they’re not trying to annoy me.”? or “Maybe they’re not trying to be idiotic.”? Seriously? But seriously. They may just be trying to do their best, and maybe it’s not very good, but it’s their best. Try it on. This one is super helpful.

Where’s Your Focus? (Movies Part 2)

When I’m having thoughts that make my life seem bleak, sometimes I like to pretend I’m in a movie. I love those movies of Ireland where they show the country side, or an old worn down castle and play beautiful music in the background. It’s all so romantic to me. We moved to Ontario about 7 years ago. I waffle between loving it and not loving it. This may sound weird, but one of the things that was hard to get used to is that there are growing things EVERYWHERE. I grew up in the desert, so if you wanted a plant, you had to plant it and take care of it or it would dry up. In Ontario, plants grow whether you want them to or not (unless they’re in my house, then they die ;)). I felt like nature was taking me over. Then one day I was driving down the road and there was a beautiful sunset in front of me, and I noticed the beautiful trees and plants and open space in front of me. I realized it was the kind of picturesque view they would show in a movie. However, in the movie they wouldn’t show the construction, and roads, and power lines around. They’d just show the beautiful part. Ever since then I can’t drive down that road without thinking about how I love having such a beautiful space so close to my house. I had missed it for several years because I focused on the less beautiful things around.

Thursday Thought: Something I Like About Me Is…

Before we say family prayers each night, everyone goes around the circle and says something they like or appreciate about the person who is going to say the prayer. The person saying the prayer also says something they like or appreciate about themselves. It’s so nice at the end of a day that you feel like was full of mistakes to say to yourself, “Something I like about me is…” Remember, there are no thought police, so you can say whatever you want at the end of that sentence. What do you want to be true? Can you find any evidence for it? If you just yelled at your spouse, can you still say, “Something I like about me is I’m kind to my spouse,”? Totally. Find evidence of the times that you are kind to your spouse. Have you ever been kind to him/her? Think about it. Ponder on that. How much easier is it to apologize when you realize that you’re not a monster, you just behaved in a way that you didn’t like, but you don’t always behave that way? When you love yourself, you can love others so much more! So love yourself on purpose.

Thursday Thought: A “Wrong” Decision Will Always Get You To Your Goal Faster Than No Decision

Sometimes we get stuck in doing the “right” thing. What if there isn’t one “right” way, or one “right” thing? What if the only way to figure out what works is by trial and error? What if I told you it was going to take you 100 times to figure out a way that works for you to lose weight, to stop yelling, to keep your house clean, to start making money on your side gig, whatever it is you want to do that seems to elude you? Would it be worth it to you to figure it out? What if I could guarantee on the 101st time it would work, and it would stick forever, that you’d never have to solve that problem again? But first you have to try 100 ways that don’t work.

Instead of feeling stuck and paralyzed because you can’t find the right way, you’d probably get going. The faster you try and fail 100 times, the faster you’d reach your goal.

You’d stop with the drama of, “I don’t want to waste my time on the wrong decision.” You’d just make a decision and know that if if doesn’t work, that doesn’t make it the wrong decision. It just gets you one step closer to the way to reach your goal. A “wrong” decision will always get you to your goal faster than no decision.

I Can Help You With Your Problem!

I am back from coach training at The Life Coach School.  As part of my practicum to become a Certified Life and Weight Coach, I am offering 5 free sessions of coaching to anyone interested. What problems would you like coaching on? Do you want to lose weight? Do you have a relationship that you want to improve? Do you want more money? Do you want to get started on a goal that you keep putting off? I can help you with that! Go to my website emergingbravely.com and sign-up for some free coaching.

Being A Mess

Sometimes I feel a little insecure when I tell people I’m studying to become a life coach. Thoughts like, “Who am I to think I can help people?” “They can see I’m a mess, they’d never come to me for help.”

Then I think of where I was. For a few years, I struggled to even be nice to my husband and kids. Sometimes it was a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. I felt like I had black tar on my heart that I couldn’t get to go away. I still feel some of those emotions, but it’s not very often, and I feel secure that I have tools to help me through those emotions. I’m not scared to feel them anymore because I know there is a way through them.

I am a mess sometimes. But I’m committed to being brave and going forward anyway. I’m committed to keep trying to improve, and help others who can benefit from what I’m learning. Be brave with me! The world needs you!