Thursday Thought: Enough Is A Decision, Not An Amount

My brain has been feeding me the thought lately of, “I’m not good enough.” This thought seems to be pretty universal. But the cool thing about thought work is knowing that it’s JUST a thought. It’s not true or false. Usually, if it’s a thought that comes to you a lot, it’s because it’s a thought that you believe is somewhat true. Usually the thoughts we don’t believe at all just pass on by.

So, I’ve been thinking this thought a lot, and it makes me feel insecure. Well, my friend told me this thought, “Enough is a decision, not an amount.” When she first told me, I was thinking of it in terms of doing things. Which is still really helpful. But then I applied it to just who I am. I get to decide that I’m enough.

Running a 10k, or starting a business, or weighing a certain amount, or having 10 kids, or having kids that are smart, or being pretty doesn’t make me enough. I just decide I’m enough.

Sometimes when things turn out the way we want to, then we give ourselves permission to believe we’re enough. But those things didn’t make us enough, our thoughts make us feel like we’re enough. No matter if we make money, our kids are smart or struggle, we have no kids or 25 kids, we weigh 100 pounds or 500 pounds. We get to believe we’re enough whenever we want. And no one has to agree with us.

How many times have you heard your friend say, “I’m just not good enough,” and you’re like, “What?! You who are skinny and nice and pretty and talented and don’t yell at your kids. Tell me what makes you not good enough.” Their brains will focus on some evidence of how they’re not perfect in some way, just like your brain is focusing on evidence of why you’re not perfect. Good enough doesn’t mean perfect. It also doesn’t mean you won’t improve. In fact, good enough means you’re not perfect. It means you’re enough, imperfections and all.

So, just decide you’re good enough, right now, before you reach your goal, while your kids are struggling, while you’re struggling.

Comment and tell me how you’re good enough right now, even though you’re not perfect.

Word to the Why’s?

My friend told me about this concept called The 7 Layers of Why. It’s super helpful to figure out what you’re thinking. If you want to bring to light thoughts that you didn’t even know you had, that may be causing you problems, just ask, “Why?”.

Here’s an example from my experience:

  1. I don’t want to work on my program. Why?
  2. Because I don’t know where to start. Why?
  3. Because I’m waiting for someone to tell me how to do it. Why?
  4. Because I don’t want to waste time doing it wrong and then having to re-do it. Why?
  5. Because I don’t want to fail. Why?
  6. Because then I’ll feel bad about myself. Why?
  7. Because I’ll think that I should have known better.

Well, I can see that that last thought is ridiculous. I may have that thought, but it doesn’t even make sense. How would I know better if I’ve never written a program before and no one is telling me how to do it. The only reason I’ll feel bad is if I think that thought. I know thoughts are optional, and that was seems ridiculous to me, so I’ll just choose to think, “Good for me for trying!” If I know that’s the thought I’ll have no matter the result, then it’s easier to get started writing my program.

Give it a try! Let me know your 7 Layers of “Why?”.

 

 

Thursday Thought: It’s Possible I Could Love Winter This Year

Around the beginning of November, I could feel myself getting down. I grew up in the States, but I live in Canada now. Growing up we didn’t start getting ready for Christmas until after Thanksgiving in November. Now we have Thanksgiving the beginning of October, so after Halloween the lines shade of when you can start getting ready for Christmas. Usually, I’m ready to go just after Halloween, but this year I wasn’t even looking forward to Christmas. I was dreading Winter. All of it. November until May. My coach helped me see that I was thinking, “I hate Winter! I loathe Winter!” over and over. No wonder I was filled with dread! I came up with this new thought that was believable to me:

It’s possible I could love Winter this year.

Every time my thoughts wanted to go to, “I hate Winter.” I would redirect to, “It’s possible I could love Winter this year.” It didn’t take long. I am enjoying the cold on my face, the snow, the quietness when you go out and the sounds seemed to be subdued by the snow below and the clouds above. I’m looking forward to sledding, possibly snow-shoeing and skiing, even flying kites when it’s still cold and windy but there’s no snow. I’m totally believing that, “It’s possible I could love Winter this year.”

How are you thinking about Winter?

 

Thursday Thought: …And It’s Okay

Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in? I think that’s a thought I’ve had a lot of my life. It’s not all of the time, but it’s kind of a go-to thought that hasn’t served me well, and doesn’t feel very good. While getting coached on it, I realized that when I think I don’t fit in, I then decide there must be something wrong with me.

As I was getting coached, I was having a really hard time letting go of the thoughts that I’m different and there might be something wrong with me, so instead of changing it, my coach offered to just add on “…and it’s okay.”

Now when I have that thought come up, I add on “…and it’s okay.” “There might be something wrong with me, and it’s okay.” That thought makes me feel so relieved, instead of sad and desperate. So what if I’m different? So what if there are social skills I could improve on? It’s okay! We’re all different and quirky and have skills in different areas, and it’s okay! It’s nice that we’re not all robots.

What thoughts could you add this onto? Try it, and leave a comment to let me know!

Let Your Ugly Out

It’s pretty eye-opening to just see what thoughts are going on in your head. Sometimes when you realize what they are you may feel shocked. It’s important in these times that you don’t try to push them down and “pretend” like you weren’t thinking them because of what someone might think if they knew.

When I’m coaching clients I let them know that there’s nothing they are thinking that would shock me. I understand that thoughts aren’t a part of us. They come and go. We think some pretty crazy things. Seriously! When something ugly comes out, realize you are not the first person to think that thought. It doesn’t mean anything about you. You can figuratively put it on a cloud and let it float away. You don’t need to give it any more time or space if you don’t want to.

Everyone needs a place to “let their ugly out”. It might be through journaling, coaching, counseling, or a trusted friend. But I encourage you to find a place to see what is going on in your mind, and love yourself anyway.

Thursday Thought: It’s Okay To Feel This Way

We receive messages everywhere telling us that we should always feel good. We can get the idea that it’s wrong to feel a certain way, or even that there’s something wrong with us to feel a certain. But the only reason we feel an emotion is because of a thought we’re having, and subconsciously or consciously we’re believing.

When I start to worry that there’s something wrong with me, or that I have done something wrong to feel the way I’m feeling, I like to remind myself: It’s okay to feel discouraged. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to feel judgmental. It’s not harmful. I can just feel it. It may not be a helpful emotion, which I can figure out later, but for now it’s okay to just process it. It doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong, or that there’s something wrong with me.

Breathe. Feel.

Feelings Are Not Tigers

When we feel an uncomfortable emotion, our brain sets off the alarm to tell us there is DANGER! As in, “There’s a tiger behind us that wants to eat us!” It does this so we can react quickly. However, we very rarely encounter danger like this in our every day lives, so it’s not useful to just react to our emotions. The problem is that since we realize it’s not usually helpful to react to our emotions we tend to suppress them. When you suppress them, it’s like holding a beach ball under the water. You can only do it so long until it explodes out of the water. A lot of us then come to the misconception that feeling our emotions causes explosions, so we suppress them even more.

What to do instead?? Just allow the emotion. Just feel it. Relax into it. Relax your body and give it time. There are many ways to do this:

One way is to describe the emotion in your body.

Another way is to imagine you’re watching yourself in a movie. What do you look like when you’re just feeling frustrated while you help your kids with their homework, but you’re not reacting to your frustration? What does a person look like who is feeling discouraged while they type up their work assignment, but is just feeling discouraged, not reacting to it or suppressing it? They’re just doing what they’re doing in a more subdued way.

One more way to just allow the emotion is to imagine it as water that is being poured into the crown of your head and the only way it can get out of your body is through your toes. Every time you suppress it, it’s like squeezing the way shut so it can’t get through. Sometimes though it can be a lot of water coming at once, and maybe it’s really tight as it’s going through. It may feel really uncomfortable, but you know you have to just let it slide or it will back up and be more painful, or it will stay around a lot longer, so you have to just feel the discomfort as it moves through your body until it can exit through your toes.

What way makes the most sense to you? Leave a message and let me know.

 

Thursday Thought: Maybe They’re Not Trying To Hurt Me

Mothers-in-law. Sisters-in-law. Husbands. Bosses. Co-workers. They’re so annoying, right? And they think they know more than you, right? And they’re always trying to prove you wrong, and they do everything wrong. And they think differently than you.

Have you ever thought, “Maybe they’re not trying to hurt me.”? or “Maybe they’re not trying to annoy me.”? or “Maybe they’re not trying to be idiotic.”? Seriously? But seriously. They may just be trying to do their best, and maybe it’s not very good, but it’s their best. Try it on. This one is super helpful.

Where’s Your Focus? (Movies Part 2)

When I’m having thoughts that make my life seem bleak, sometimes I like to pretend I’m in a movie. I love those movies of Ireland where they show the country side, or an old worn down castle and play beautiful music in the background. It’s all so romantic to me. We moved to Ontario about 7 years ago. I waffle between loving it and not loving it. This may sound weird, but one of the things that was hard to get used to is that there are growing things EVERYWHERE. I grew up in the desert, so if you wanted a plant, you had to plant it and take care of it or it would dry up. In Ontario, plants grow whether you want them to or not (unless they’re in my house, then they die ;)). I felt like nature was taking me over. Then one day I was driving down the road and there was a beautiful sunset in front of me, and I noticed the beautiful trees and plants and open space in front of me. I realized it was the kind of picturesque view they would show in a movie. However, in the movie they wouldn’t show the construction, and roads, and power lines around. They’d just show the beautiful part. Ever since then I can’t drive down that road without thinking about how I love having such a beautiful space so close to my house. I had missed it for several years because I focused on the less beautiful things around.

Thursday Thought: Something I Like About Me Is…

Before we say family prayers each night, everyone goes around the circle and says something they like or appreciate about the person who is going to say the prayer. The person saying the prayer also says something they like or appreciate about themselves. It’s so nice at the end of a day that you feel like was full of mistakes to say to yourself, “Something I like about me is…” Remember, there are no thought police, so you can say whatever you want at the end of that sentence. What do you want to be true? Can you find any evidence for it? If you just yelled at your spouse, can you still say, “Something I like about me is I’m kind to my spouse,”? Totally. Find evidence of the times that you are kind to your spouse. Have you ever been kind to him/her? Think about it. Ponder on that. How much easier is it to apologize when you realize that you’re not a monster, you just behaved in a way that you didn’t like, but you don’t always behave that way? When you love yourself, you can love others so much more! So love yourself on purpose.